I am constantly hearing from parents the struggles they are faced with when it comes to their teenagers and gaming. In my book, titled Free Flowing Family: An unschooling journey through awakening and healing, I share in great detail my experiences with teenagers, behavior issues, and with gaming. But I would like to write some more about it in this blog, as I feel it is an important subject that must be addressed differently if we are to have any real ability to change the way we relate to our teenagers, and avoid the conflict that can arise when we are fighting them instead.
I hear many stories of parents restricting their child’s screen time and blaming it for the behaviours they see in their child. Any emotion the child exhibits is automatically pinned to their gaming or screen usage, even their lack of interest or ability to perform at school. Rather than addressing these emotions in the child and connecting to their inner experience, their devices are taken away as a form of punishment to try and get the child to change or behave differently, resulting in even more disconnection and distrust between parent and child.
This is very close to my heart as I have two teenagers who were allowed to leave school to sit at home and game all day on their devices. I had many thoughts and emotions that came up at first, and working through these rather than working with my children helped me to dissolve a lot of the fears that come with giving our children the freedom to make all their own choices. As I took a deeper look into where these emotions came from, I began to feel more free, less worried, and see the many benefits that came with allowing my children to follow their joy ~ even if it meant playing computer games all day.
There are many fears surrounding screen time and extensive gaming that continue through the teenage years. As long as we are unwilling to acknowledge that these fears are our own, and really take the time to explore them within our own inner experience, we will continue to see gaming as a problem in our child, and do everything we can to stop it. This will send the message to our child that there is something wrong with them, and that their enjoyment of gaming means that they have a problem. What we fail to consider is that perhaps the problem is not within the gaming experience, but with the environment outside of it.
What this might mean is that our child is unhappy, and gaming is a way to deal with this unhappiness and find relief. Many children and teenagers who seem unhappy or depressed simply don’t want to go to school. And yet we take everything away from them that gives them the ability to escape this pain, and force them even further into the environment they are unhappy in. Of course I am not saying that all children feel this way ~ I can’t really know that. But as parents it is our job to become tuned into our child and be able to read them and what they are needing, especially if they don’t feel safe in expressing this to us.
Rather than restrict our child’s gaming and punish them for enjoying something outside of their responsibilities and commitments, which they didn’t choose in the first place, we can begin to really pay attention to the feelings underneath, and connect to them in an understanding way. What many children crave is proper mirroring; someone (usually the parent) to mirror their reality back to them. This is the complete seeing, hearing, feeling, and understanding that helps the child feel accepted in their experience. Limiting or restricting of any kind is the opposite; it is reflecting back to them that their experience is unacceptable and wrong.
I don’t feel that kids these days should be responsible for much, except doing what feels good to them. Gaming is one such activity. The moment we are old enough, our parents and teachers work us to the ground and pile so much obligation on us, that by the time we reach adulthood, we are working crappy jobs we hate, feel alone, and have no clue who we are.
If we don’t want to pass these same patterns on to our children, it is up to us to break this cycle and see things from a different perspective. What really needs owning is our suppressed emotions that were made wrong by our own parents ~ the same message we send our own children. If we are to have any hope of creating new relationships, and not becoming the people in our life who hurt us, we have to face that hurt and deal with it, not only for our children, but especially for ourselves.
Children fail school because school doesn’t work. They also fail because they are forced into an environment they don’t want to be in. Children should be able to sit at their computers enjoying themselves while their mum or dad bring them a plate of food and a cuddle. This is what I love to do, and all day long too. If we were never given this kind of love and understanding, it will be difficult to provide this for our children, which is why we need to heal our own relationship trauma.
This is a huge step for some parents, particularly when we are surrounded by messages about the damage gaming does to children, and how we need to get them to become more focused in school. There is a reason children aren’t focused in school: because their internal guidance system; their intuition is screaming out to them that they are not doing what their hearts desire. We need to become more interested in what their hearts desire, and connect to what they are actually wanting to focus on, rather than try and mold them into what we think they need to be focused on. A good sign that a child is doing what they love and really connected to that thing, is their inability to listen. Not listening is actually what is occurring naturally for them, and we believe they are being defiant, disobedient, or irresponsible. And so we punish them for what they are just doing naturally.
I faced many difficult beliefs and fears about my children gaming when we first began unschooling. But facing these in myself helped to dissolve them over time, and see the many benefits that came with my children following their joy and doing what they were passionate about. In fact, they have all learned to read, type and spell through playing computer games and using the internet for long periods of time. They have made close friends they can play with. They have researched many topics and learned a great deal. They have created gaming servers, Youtube channels, digital art, and animations. They have learned to use advanced programs to create and edit their own video compositions. They have been offered roles as support team members for networking.
These are the many opportunities that are overlooked when it comes to our children and gaming. All we see is a body sitting at a screen all day and call it “addiction.” As long as we avoid facing and dealing with our own emotions driving our need to take these opportunities away form our children, we are stopping their flow. We are interrupting vital learning time and essential enjoyment, particularly with children carrying a heavy workload and lots of responsibility.
When it comes to teenagers in particular, what we may be dealing with when it comes to angst, attitude, depression or withdrawal, is the build up of suppressed emotions or desires. Teenage rebellion is the rebelling against all of those limits that have been imposed. So in a sense we can say that it doesn’t really exist as long as we give our children plenty of freedom, choice, and proper mirroring. This means to accept them as they are ~ their passions, their resistance to the things they don’t enjoy, their unhappiness, their angst, their attitudes, depression, or withdrawal. Seeing our teenager’s expression of emotion as a problem, them failing, or doing the wrong thing is a recipe for teenage rebellion and disconnection. They need to know that their feelings are valid and normal, and doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with them.
What many parents tend to do when dealing with the behaviours of their teenager is move away from their experience and blame them for not doing what they “should” be doing. Instead, we need to begin moving toward our teenager and seeing their unhappiness as a cry for love, belonging, acceptance and understanding. We must learn how to create this if we do not want our teenagers leaving the home feeling unsupported in who they are, with a safe family unit to rely on. Children feel safe when their needs and desires are met and allowed to live. When they are accepted in who they are and what they are interested in. When they exercise their boundaries and speak up about what they want to say “No” to. When they are heard, respected, and treated as capable, knowing, trustworthy human beings who aren’t demanded respect for their elders.
So how do we create these loving, respectful relationships with our children and teenagers? We do the inner work. We face everything in ourselves that arises when our children do something that triggers us. We question why we believe they need to do or be something. We connect to the emotions in our body. We become aware of our inner child. We become the parent we always needed.
I have used many tools to dissolve my beliefs about my children, how teenagers should behave, and extensive gaming. I have used The Work of Byron Katie to write down all of these beliefs and question them to see if they are even true. This helped me to see that what I was thinking about my children and their gaming was not who I really was, but something I had learned and adopted growing up. This process is an excellent opportunity to dissolve many stressful and painful thoughts we have about our child. And to see that what we are seeing in our child is actually a reflection of something within us.
Many times behaviours I have sworn existed in my child or teenager just disappeared when I realized that what I believed about them I believed about myself. I have questioned many things I’ve seen in my children such as unhappiness, anxiety, violence, and sleeping problems. Really diving in and taking a closer look, using The Work of Byron Katie, revealed the underlying fear I had, and the behavior or issue in myself that I was projecting onto my children. I have seen the unhappiness, anxiety, violence, and sleeping problems in myself, and owned them ~ as myself. Owning anything in myself I see in my children shifts my reality ~ I no longer see that behavior or issue in them.
To understand more about this I urge you to give this process of inquiry a go. Teal Swan also has many books, workshops, and Youtube videos that share how to use what is going on in our external world to connect to our inner world. I found her book Shadows Before Dawn very helpful with a range of tools for doing shadow work and healing trauma.
Another practice that has been extremely helpful in healing my relationships with my children is Reflection Technique. This is process I learned from Thessa Sophia, where I see the person/child in my mind, as that behavior or situation causing me stress or pain, and then letting the image go and referring to my body, while noticing the physical and emotional sensations and allowing them to be present. I explore what it is viscerally that is having the experience of my child, and honour and hold that with what is calm and still in or around my body.
Body awareness practices are also very helpful for dissolving old patterns and beliefs. Trauma is stored in the body, and so connecting to the sensations in the body, and honouring the sense of self present is a way to go directly to the root cause of our stressful relationships. I recommend Thessa’s website to learn more about this practice.
Finding ways to deal with my childhood trauma and allow healing has been key for creating peaceful, loving, mutually respectful relationships with my children. Sitting at their computers all day off and on for many years has not created unhealthy teenagers who are unhappy. In fact, it is the opposite. There is lots of connection, laughter, sharing, and playing, even with my teenagers. We have a very fun relationship, and they are kind and caring towards me. And yet, I have never had to take away their gaming for them to be this way.
Some ways in which I connect more to my teenagers and support our ongoing relationships are:
Playing with them
Not only do I see my teenagers as young adults capable of leading their own lives, I also see them as children who like to play. Whatever they enjoy doing, I get involved. I sit with them in their rooms and watch them play computer games, and I ask questions. I ask them to play board games with me. We go for walks. We go camping. We watch movies together. And we talk about things they like to talk about. Rather than expect my teenagers to connect to me and show an interest in me, I connect to them – I don’t wait. If they don’t want to do anything with me I understand that they are just busy or having fun on their own, and I go and do something enjoyable for myself.
Not taking anything personally
Words are just words. I can only feel the impact of a word if I already have a meaning assigned to that word. I don’t see my children as “back chatting” because they are allowed and even encouraged to speak up and exercise their boundaries. Their “No” is their authenticity. I appreciate it when my children disagree with me or don’t do something I’ve asked them to do, and when I feel tension arise I know it’s not about them, and I listen to my inner experience instead. I can see that my children aren’t saying something to personally hurt or attack me, that is just their honest feelings at the time, and I honour that.
Honesty
Being honest with my children is key for ongoing intimate relationships with them. I don’t keep my “private life” separate to them, and I respect their privacy. I don’t force them to share anything with me, and I share everything with them. I cry in front of them and talk about my feelings, and I keep it about me. I don’t blame anyone and I work through my feelings together with them, openly and vulnerably. I let them into my emotional experience and I connect to theirs. When they pick up on my experience and ask me about it, I tell them the truth. If I get upset with them and they claim I wasn’t being nice or didn’t like them, I admit that it’s true; that in that moment of reaction I wasn’t being nice or liking them, and that I’m sorry if I hurt them. If they say I am being a certain way or doing something, I take a look to see if it might be true. Many times it is – many times I am doing or being that thing they can see or feel, and so I admit to it. If I don’t want to do something for them, or need some time, I say “No” to them, only not in an angry, reactive way. I keep it about me and what I am feeling, rather than make it about them.
Allowing them to have problems
I rarely see my children’s hurdles or emotions as problems. As long as I see them as having a problem that needs to be overcome, I will continue to see it. I will continue to reinforce it in my mind, and in them. Holding a neutral, non-identified state around their feelings allows them to process whatever they are experiencing easily and naturally. There is no rush to be happy or have life figured out. It’s OK to feel down, bored, worried, tired, withdrawn, or angry. Listening to my children complain without needing to respond or react, helps them to move through it more quickly. Having the space to process their own problems allows solutions to arise, and gives them the power to be in charge of their own experiences. Rather than interfere, I support, listen, and connect to their experience – I feel them. Allowing them to have their problems and work through them in their own way and time has been a very important part of our ongoing intimate relating.
Giving them less responsibility not more
I don’t want my teenagers thinking about their future, or what they will be doing with their life. I don’t want to prepare them for the “real world” or “work force.” Rather, I want to support them in following their passions. Our passions are what we are truly meant to be doing in our lives, not what will make us successful or earn lots of money. Many of us who are successful and have lots of money are unhappy anyway and feel like something is missing from our lives. Perhaps what is missing is the honouring of that part of us who wants to go in the direction of our heart’s desire. I nurture the passions in my children instead of giving them more obligations and responsibility. I don’t have the concerns and worries about them being unable to make it in life and build a path for themselves, because they are already doing this. Being a certain age doesn’t make us ready to leave behind childish games and fun and focus on a career and stability. Stability is in following our passions. They are already living their path and purpose and have been since birth. Supporting this is key in creating authentic, intimate bonds with my children.
I know what unhappy teenagers look like. I know what they feel like too, because I was one of them. I left home when I was 15 to feel the freedom I so desperately craved. I turned to my friends, drugs, sex, and alcohol to find the belonging and acceptance I was craving. And I now have peaceful relationships with my parents too. Because I faced all the pain of my teenage years and prior, and still am. I no longer blame anyone for my unhappiness nor feel blamed. I took responsibility and chose to heal it. What is left is an openness, and teenagers who are completely rebellion free. There is nothing for them to rebel against.
It is my deepest wish to inspire those on the path to healing to find peace and joy in your relationships with your children. Not only do your children deserve it, you do too. It is never too late, and just opening up to healing will ripple through your children and their children to come. No, it is never too late.
Much love,
Leisa XX
Leisa Coleman 