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Dropping a child off at daycare for the day can be one of the most stressful, painful events in both a parent’s and their child’s life. No parent deep down truly wants to be separated from their child, and this can cause a lot of different emotions such as guilt, worry, or sadness.
As a childcare worker, I have observed this morning routine closely for the last few years – both in a large, public childcare setting, and in my own private home daycare. While the severity or intensity of this transition can vary, depending on many factors, one thing has remained the same with all of the children – they don’t want to be separated from their parent.
As difficult as it may be to recognise or believe, if every child could make the choice, they would choose to have their parent stay with them all day at daycare, or for them to take them home with them when they leave. This is the natural, built-in survival instinct in all children; the most fundamental need – to be attached to their primary care-giver. And because young children haven’t yet developed the logic or understanding part of their brain, they convey this need through their behaviours.
These behaviours can include crying, clinging, screaming, shaking, aggression, violence, demanding, pulling, or hitting their parent, withdrawal, avoidance, and being in a freeze-like state. I have seen all of this and worse, including biting, banging and kicking on glass doors, and prolonged, hysterical meltdowns.
It is helpful to understand that if a child displays any of these behaviours, they are experiencing the trauma of separation from their parent. It is indeed a traumatic experience for any child to be separated from their primary care-giver, so the next step in this transition becomes about processing and healing the trauma. This will depend on many factors such as: the childcare environment, the connection the child has with their carer, the way the behaviours are managed, and their ability to develop coping skills.
Let’s start with the environment. Large childcare centres can make morning drop-off very challenging for young children, as there is always so much going on, so many children, so much noise, and educators that are too busy to give the child undivided attention and help them cope with the transition. One of the reasons children make an even bigger fuss around drop-off at these places is because they know their little systems cannot handle the sensory overload. They may feel lost and overlooked among the crowd of chaos, and their nervous system may remain heightened all day. They may not eat, drink, play or use the toilet as a result. Private, family daycare centres provide a more intimate, quiet space for a child to calm down their nervous system and feel safe.
The type of connection a child has with the person caring for them will determine how well they can cope with and heal the process of separation. Children are wired to form a secure attachment with their primary parent figure, where they feel safe, seen, nurtured, and accepted. If they cannot have this with their chosen person in that moment, they will seek it in the next person closest to them in their environment. It is important that the educator caring for a child establishes this secure attachment as quickly as possible so that the child can heal and thrive in the childcare environment, in the absence of their parent.
The way a child’s behaviours around morning drop-offs are managed will also play a part in how well they transition and cope with being in childcare. Unfortunately, large childcare centres lack the empathy, compassion, and attention needed in order for a child to be able to cope in healthy ways with separating from their parents. This is because it is less personal, there aren’t enough staff, or the staff feel too stressed and time-limited to fully be present to the child’s needs. Many children are just left to “deal with it” on their own, told to “stop”, or it is often seen as a “silly” behaviour rather than an experience of trauma. In order for a child to process any kind of trauma, they need a warm, caring, accepting person to be able to carry their emotions without reacting to them. They need to be allowed to process the experience for as long as it takes, so they can naturally move into a state of calm and acceptance. Sometimes this can look like a child moving through different emotions first, such as anger, withdrawal, sadness, then contentment. As long as the carer allows the process to play out safely, the child will get through it rather quickly.
Lastly, children are built to learn how to cope with their experiences of trauma. It is an intelligent part of us that does this for survival. When a child is experiencing trauma of any kind, much more is going on behind the surface than just crying or yelling. They are in a state of panic and uncertainty. The experience of separating from their parent at a very young age can feel like a matter of life or death! So they naturally move into a state of survival to protect themselves and live through the experience.
Most children learn to cope with being in childcare. They have had to in order to feel safe and not have to feel the panic, pain and uncertainty. The ability to cope will also depend on their environment, their carer, and the strategies used to support them during the transition. Eventually they will learn to cope no matter what, but it is important to demonstrate to a child the most healthy ways to manage their feelings and experience. A child naturally needs to feel safe and secure in their environment in order to move around, explore, and feel content. The time taken to get into this place of safety will also depend on how long their parent is around during morning drop-off.
During the drop-off time, a child can be in this state of fear and uncertainty because they know what is to come. Their nervous system is heightened, on edge, they may feel a sense of doom, be in resistance, their little bodies could be clammed up, stiff, tight, or frozen. They will be feeling these things as long as their parent is around during this transition. Some children also start misbehaving during this time. They may start demanding their parent put their things away, or yell at them while they talk to another parent or educator. They may be cranky, begin to whine, or try and talk to their parent or ask them questions repeatedly as a way to get them to stay. They may speak harshly to other children or their educator in front of their parent. No matter what the behaviour is, it is always a sign of not wanting to be away from that parent.
The severity or even occurrence of these behaviours can also depend on the relationship the child has with their parent. If they are already feeling disconnected or missing their parent, have limited time with them, or don’t feel heard or seen by them, these behaviours will be much more apparent and heightened during a time of separation from that parent, such as daycare. If they have formed a secure attachment with their parent, meaning they feel safe with them and have their emotional needs met, they may be able to better cope with the transition into daycare.
We may not be able to prevent a child from experiencing trauma of some form, but it is the way we support and help them through the experience that matters most. If a parent wants to eliminate trauma as much as possible, then my advice is to not send them to daycare during the early years when the separation impacts them the most. Keep them at home with you as long as possible and build that secure attachment, so that when they are at the right age they will be well equipped to cope being away from you in a more healthy way, and will be able to understand what is happening. However, if for whatever reason you feel that you cannot be with your child all of the time and need to put them into alternative care, the goal is to then make their experience as least painful as possible. This is best done through a quick morning drop-off with little time or interaction between you and your child.
It might seem conflicting that I support parents to reduce the time they separate from their children while also suggesting they reduce the time they spend with their child during morning drop off! This can seem harsh, to suggest parents “drop and go” rather than staying to settle their child into the experience and ensure they feel happy before they leave. I say that this is fine if your child isn’t displaying any of the above behaviours and seems happy to be there. Or to try it out when they first start to see what works. I am specifically talking about when it is evident that a child is struggling with morning drop-offs and showing signs that they need more connection with their parent. As much as you might think you should stay to try and convince your child to feel good about being there so you can leave, it will not matter. As I mentioned, they are in a state of heightened nerves and anticipation of your departure, so no amount of distracting, convincing, tricking, or sneaking away is going to be supportive to their healing of the separation. In fact, this will make things worse.
It is always best to be honest with your child if you will be leaving them somewhere, so they can be prepared in some way. As painful as it is and as guilty as you may feel, if this is the truth of what is happening for your child, they need to know. Speak to them honestly and confidently about your plans to drop them off and that you understand they may be upset. Arriving feeling anxious or unsure about leaving your child, or leaving feeling guilty will be felt by your child, and they may feel that something isn’t right. Children are very in tune and connected to their primary parent and can often feel what they are feeling. If you don’t plan on letting them return home with you when you leave, then the best thing to do is not hang around so that they can try and convince you.
Staying too long when your child tends to display any of these behaviours during drop-off, whether it’s to put their belongings away, talk about something with another parent or educator, or to give your child the 10th cuddle they have asked for just keeps them in the unsettled state for longer. It also prolongs the time for you as a parent to also process your own trauma of separating from your child when you know they don’t want to. If any of these things actually help, then that is fine! You are their parent and know in your heart what is best. If it feels best to give the extra cuddles and you can see that it helps your child to let you go, then great! If you can see that it starts to make you feel anxious about getting to work on time, or that it is just a behaviour your child is using to delay the separation, then the best thing to do is to be honest and say “I have to go now, but I love you very much and I can’t wait to see you when I get back. Bye.” And then quickly leave without turning back.
What this does is allows the feelings in the child to come to the surface, rather than it all being held in tightly from a state of fear or freeze. It is important that they get out the frustration, sadness, or fear they may be feeling now that the “threat of separation” has gone. I find that these emotions move very quickly, and the child returns to a state of peace, calm and contentment. It’s like a parent dreading getting up in the morning for work – as painful as it is, once they are there they can stop thinking about how much they don’t want to go and start working without even thinking about it. In order for a child to accept their reality, their reality has to first feel safe. As long as their parent is hanging around and they know they are going to leave, they are in a state of unsafety.
We may not be able to prevent the pain of separation a parent and child feels during morning drop-offs, but we can lessen it. We lessen the pain for the child by eliminating the threat of separation quickly, and we lessen the pain for parents by allowing them to leave quickly and not hang around to feel guilty for leaving their child, and being reminded through their behaviour. It also cuts down the stress of having tasks to do, like putting away a child’s belongings, making sure they have sunscreen on, or guiding them through the etiquette of arrival.
Another benefit of reducing the time parents spend during morning drop-off at daycare is that their mood or behaviours don’t carry on to their child, other children, or the educator for the day. Creating a swift, relaxing morning drop-off allows parents to not be under any obligation to do anything for their child and they can get to work or get on with their day more quickly. Drop-offs can be time consuming and stressful for parents, and if they are already feeling emotional or overwhelmed, the last thing they want is to have to deal with their child’s behaviour during drop-off. These feelings can often be felt by those around them and sets the tone for the day.
Creating a positive experience for children in childcare could change the lives of many children and their parents. Changes to large childcare centres could be more helpful, such as breaking up larger rooms into smaller rooms to be less impactful on a child’s nervous system, or introducing workshops or professional training for educators to understand this separation trauma and learn skills to support themselves and the children through it. Whatever the case, I believe anything is possible, and I hold faith that one day we will all move into greater states of awareness and have the ability to make positive changes for all, and pave the way for our children to feel the most loved, valued and supported as they navigate their lives!
Much love,
Leisa ❤️
Leisa Coleman 