If you are a parent who has been caught in a moment of extreme stress due to your child’s meltdowns or emotions, you are not alone! I have faced this many times throughout my parenting journey and still find myself at times all jumbled, overwhelmed and not knowing what to do in the moment. Thankfully over the years I have learned skills and strategies for coping that don’t involve taking it out on my children that I want to share with those who may benefit.
Smacking is an easy way to get a child into line quickly and to stop misbehaving but it does not help as a long-term solution. It only causes more unwanted behaviours, teaches them that violence is okay and can have long-term emotional, mental and sociological effects.
Although I experienced being in a household where smacking seemed normal and was used as a form of punishment, it did not serve me well. I did not grow up more well-behaved, nor did I learn that violence was wrong. In fact, the opposite occurred. I rebelled in my teenage years and when I left home I was attracted to all kinds of violent situations and people in life. I thought it was normal.
Once I became a mother something switched over in me and I began to realise that I deserved a different life, and so did my son – one free from aggression and violence. I left my long-term relationship and began to attract different kinds of people and situations. I met my husband, went on to have three more children and settled down.
But I was very unhappy and living with a lot of repressed trauma from my upbringing. As I had not yet healed the things that had happened to me, I was taking it all out on my husband. I was aggressive, at times violent and had so much anger within me. It wasn’t until many years later when I began to turn within and heal my wounds that the anger dissipated and I no longer acted out in these ways.
My children were rarely smacked, but I did react in this way a few times. This was because I did not know how to deal with the emotions in them or in myself. I have since spoken to them about these occurrences. I took responsibility and let them know how sorry I was that they experienced that. I dedicated my life to spiritual awakening and healing and made it my mission to radically transform the way I parented in the most loving, kind, peaceful way possible. I have made many mistakes along the way, but watching my children grow into the amazing people that they are is a confirmation that I have done pretty well!
So what exactly have I learned on this journey? How could there be other ways to get children to listen, do as they are told or stop displaying extreme emotions? This is what I am here to share! Believe it or not, smacking is NOT the answer to well-behaved, calm, obedient, disciplined children. It creates the opposite.
So..why do we smack our child and what steps can we begin to take to replace smacking with responding in more gentle ways?
It might be that you were punished this way as a child. You might not yet be aware of how emotionally painful this was for you if the feelings have been repressed. I hope you acknowledge the inner child in you that needs love and compassion for your mistakes and failures, not punishment and judgement! Forgive yourself for not knowing any other way if you weren’t taught. Acknowledge the part of you that did not want to be smacked and seek therapies that help to heal the inner child and regain the sense of control you felt you lost as a child.
It comes from trying to control rather than feel our emotions. When our child is having a meltdown, demanding, smacking, yelling at us or crying uncontrollably, this triggers our own emotions. It triggers these same feelings within us – feelings of frustration, anger, helplessness, sadness, and if we have been burying these feelings for a long time they will try to come up to be healed. As long as we are living in denial of our deepest feelings we will constantly be triggered by others – especially our children! Smacking them stops the angry behavior and they move into crying. This provides some relief from our own powerlessness and helps us feel in control again. But then comes the guilt!
Being more aware of our own feelings and taking some time alone to feel them can reduce the overall intensity of them. We have been taught to fear intense emotions and shut them down, but the only way to truly heal them is to let them move through us, no matter how frightening they seem. Emotions cannot hurt us, even though it can seem that way. Once they have been allowed, seen and understood they settle, and we feel a sense of lightness and strength. You may need some support at first with a somatic therapist or a guided meditation to get into the practice of experiencing emotion through the body.
Our beliefs about our children shape our parenting. If we believe that children need to be punished in this way to teach them how to be good we won’t see it as unhealthy or harmful. We will hold perspectives that cause us immense stress and overwhelm and have ideas about the way children should be and the things they should do that may not feel right for them. We might be causing the meltdowns with our need to control and direct our child based on these beliefs and in turn overlooking their true needs.
The good news is that perspectives and beliefs can be changed! We don’t have to belief everything we see, read, hear or have been told our whole lives. Even our parents and society might not know what’s right or true for us! If the way we see the world and our children right now is causing us stress and conflict in our relationships it is a sign that it’s time to see things differently! It’s time to question if any of it is actually true and if there is another perspective that feels more true such as: Children need to listen or children shouldn’t talk back to adults. Ask yourself where you learned this perspective and how you know it’s absolutely true. Try to imagine if the opposite were true and come up with proof such as: Children should talk back to adults because they need to develop healthy boundaries and have a voice to convey their needs.
The Work of Byron Katie’s “Judge Your Neighbour Worksheet” is an excellent place to start to write down all of your perspectives about your child and question them; you can reach out to someone to help you if needed.
Not understanding our child’s needs can drive our intense reactions to them, causing us to lash out in this way. We may see their crying or hitting as wrong and something they need to be punished for, rather than a cry for love. Children do not just behave badly for no reason; there is always a need they are trying to convey. The same is true for us parents; until we get honest with ourselves and begin to understand our own unmet needs it will be very difficult to understand our child’s needs, seeing their behavior as something to be stopped. They don’t yet have the skills to logically deal with their emotions or understand why they even feel the way they do; this is something that develops over time.
Now that we’ve covered some possible reasons for smacking our child and some of the steps we can take to replace smacking with responding in a more gentle way, here are some practical strategies that I have used and that you can use in the face of your child’s behavior that do not involve smacking:
Respond instead of react. All we have to do is pay attention to how reacting to our child makes their behavior worse, not better. Once we learn to better manage our responses to them we will see their emotions move through them more quickly and eventually they will stop acting out in extreme ways. The difference between reacting and responding is that a reaction generally comes from a trigger within us tied to a past event and is taken personally, whereas a response is more natural, meets the needs of the current situation and isn’t taken personally. Once we begin acknowledging these triggers and accepting our emotions more we will find ourselves less triggered by our child’s behavior. Responding then becomes like being the eye of the storm; the calm centre that is unaffected and unmoved by what is occurring around us.
The best way to respond to a child who is having a meltdown, trying to smack us or displaying a lot of anger is to be present and silent. This isn’t the same as ignoring or withholding love, it is refraining from giving any energy to the behavior that will keep it going. Sometimes we can speak by asking them if they are okay and if they need help, or if they would like a cuddle, but as I mentioned earlier, if we are caught up in a belief that the emotions our child is displaying are wrong and need to be stopped, this will be difficult to do.
If trying to help our child by speaking is not working we can simply continue to do our thing and be ourselves while our child processes the feelings. The more quiet we are during their experience and by showing them that we aren’t abandoning them or punishing them, they will be able to get the feelings out and feel better. Often, I see this as moving from a state of intense anger and aggression into collapsing on the ground in tears and wanting to be held. By not allowing these feelings to be expressed they build up and build up and the meltdowns become much worse and prolonged. In allowing our child to see that we still love them and are there for them even during these difficult times, we teach them empathy and understanding, and that emotions are healthy and normal. There becomes less need for them to act them out in unhealthy ways.
Be firm but kind. Giving into our child no matter what is not always helpful. The highest path in a parent-child relationship should be the middle way; a balance that meets both the parent’s and the child’s needs and honours the boundaries of all involved. If you have put a boundary in place that is in the well-being of all involved, such as taking a toy from them that they are using to hurt another and they have a meltdown or start lashing out as a result, it is okay to allow them their emotions in response. To put up a boundary or not allow certain things does not need to be done harshly or through punishment. In fact, we want to teach our children what a healthy boundary looks like; one that comes from a confident sense of self that does it kindly. We might not know it, but saying “No” can be done in a kind, loving way and can involve even holding our child and giving them love.
Once they have settled enough to be able to listen we can then explain the consequences of their actions without it meaning that they are bad or wrong. I often do this with my daycare children while cuddling them or stroking their head to show them that they still deserve love and kindness despite their mistakes or bad behavior. I only put up the boundary if I have tried to ignore the bad behavior first and it becomes escalated. I make sure to question first if a boundary is absolutely necessary, as sometimes what the child is doing is harmless and not affecting anyone.
Ignoring negative patterns. If a child is used to a certain pattern playing out and acts out to get a reaction, the quickest way to stop this is to not give it any energy. Often, if a child speaks badly to me I will just ignore it, and after some time I might explain that I don’t do things for people who talk to me like that. This is not said from anger or as a form of discipline, and the child is still accepted and loved. Over time the child will stop playing out these negative patterns.
Speaking from the heart. Often, smacking our child comes from being in resistance to our emotions rather than being honest about them. When my kids were young I would sometimes lock myself in my room and write down every single word and judgement I had about them on paper. I would call them names, swear at them and let myself imagine smacking them or saying these things to their face. Sure, I felt guilty later on, but this actually prevented me from doing these things to them because I was allowing the experience in myself. It is not wrong to want to smack our child or to want to call them a name; these are our honest feelings.
I also began to learn to speak the truth to them instead of just blame them in a moment of distress. I began saying “I am feeling so mad right now and it makes me want to yell at you!” Or “I am feeling very overwhelmed and stressed right now and I can’t deal with this; I need to go lay down and feel my feelings.” Or “I am having bad thoughts right now and need to go write them down.” If my child was still in a meltdown and trying to hit me and I was unable to be present and unaffected in that moment, I would close my bedroom door and ask my husband to step in so I could get some distance. The more I did the inner work and healed my emotions, the less I needed to get separation.
There were times when my child would be trying to hit me but I was still calm and present, so I would go into my room for protection but hold the door slightly open so he could still see me and know that I was still there for him in some way. I did not tell him it’s wrong to hit others, but I did tell him I don’t allow others to hurt me. I made it about me and my boundary. This stage was short-lived and he stopped trying to hit me.
If we are trying to teach our child it is not okay to hit others but they get hit by us, this won’t work. Children don’t learn from being told things; they learn through our example and the way we behave towards others. We cannot tell them not to do something we ourselves do and expect them to listen. The first step in teaching our child to stop treating other people this way – whether it be other children or adults – is to show them what this looks like; it begins by not smacking them.
If your child is expressing their anger through hitting you and this does not hurt, you can simply allow them to while being present and letting them know you are there for them. Once they know you aren’t going to punish or abandon them during their difficult emotions they will stop and accept the love you offer. This will not teach them it’s okay to hit others; it will teach them that they are accepted for their emotions and they will stop needing to lash out physically. Many children who lash out physically are experiencing built up frustration, likely due to having too many rules or tasks to follow that don’t allow their own free thinking and internal cues. If you want your child to stop hitting you in a moment of meltdown, try to be the calm, unaffected presence that holds space for these difficult emotions in them.
Here are some ways that you can reduce or prevent the situations that may lead to smacking your child:
Pick your battles. This is a common saying, but very true. If you have learned what triggers your child and causes these meltdowns or outbursts, try to reduce them as much as possible. Question whether or not they need to do the thing you are wanting them to do or if it would cause no harm to just let them be. Children often only resist when there is control, so try to let them make their own decisions as much as possible, reducing the need for them to resist and in turn triggering your need to control them more.
Plan ahead for situations if you know how your child likes to do certain things and honour their needs. Their acting out might be their way of trying to get their needs met, so try to pay more attention to what those might be and help your child get them met. Try and build more trust for the choices they wish to make and give them a chance to learn through their own consequences rather than through punishment.
Allow more freedom of choice. Children become frustrated when they are constantly directed and told what to do. This frustration builds up and can come out in explosive ways. They need to be able to tune into their own internal voice and move to that, rather than constantly follow direction from outside of themselves. When children are given this freedom they feel less like their sense of control is taken from them and there is no need to fight back for it.
Listen to your child’s emotions. Accept and try to understand their behavior and feelings. What might they be trying to say? Are they feeling disconnected and needing extra love or affection? Do they need you to hear them out and let them know you have heard what they have said? Do they need you to respect a boundary of theirs and listen when they say “No?” Is there somewhere they don’t want to be and would rather stay at home? Is there someone that is unkind to them? Are they wanting to do something but are frustrated because they are restricted?
One of the most crucial things we can do for children to reduce their need to lash out and have meltdowns is to mirror their experience back to them. This means we do not react from our own triggering and past, but be the clear, calm presence I have spoken about that allows things to come and go as they are. The emptier we are of our past traumas and conditioned beliefs the clearer the reflection will be in the mirror for our children. They will be able to see themselves as whole, accepted and loved, and as a result will not need to act out in unhealthy ways to try to gain this approval from us.
In conclusion, we all want to love our children the best way possible! It’s not about being perfect; it’s about the willingness to try!
If you are struggling with your child’s behaviour and need support, you can reach out to me via email at livethroughthis@live.com.au
If you would like to read about my parenting journey, you can get a copy of my book here: https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B0BBHGGFLJ
Sending love and healing,
Leisa ❤️
Leisa Coleman 