If there is one important thing we can teach our children, it is how to make decisions.
Life is about decisions. We are constantly presented with opportunities to say “Yes” or “No” to whatever comes our way. Every decision either leads us towards our correct path or away from it.
How we will know that we are making the right decision will depend on our unique way of knowing from within. It could be a gut instinct, a survival response, a rush of bliss, or an automatic answer before we have time to think about it.
Unlike adults who have decades of conditioning, children are extremely adept at making decisions, because they are running purely from their inner response, as they do not yet have the heavy layers of conditioning that cloud it.
Many times us parents and caregivers doubt this intelligence in children and assume they do not know or understand what is good for them. Constant control and directing of their lives may eventually result in them losing touch with their inner response and making unhealthy choices instead.
I have had the opportunity to test this out with my own children, and the children I have cared for. When left alone and asked questions instead of being demanded of, I am amazed at how smart these children are. They always want to make good choices that align with who they really are. No child is born inherently bad, and if we become observers and guides for them, allowing them to use this inner response mechanism to direct their lives in a safe, loving environment, we will start to see that they will do the right thing!
The thing we need to recognise is that what we see as “right” may not be what our children see as “right.” An example of this for me is when I made my children go to school. School is right for some children, but it wasn’t for my children. I couldn’t see that because this truth was clouded over by my own conditioned beliefs – that all children should go to school and they don’t get a choice.
I also didn’t always give my children a choice about what they ate, how they dressed, where they went, when they went to bed, how they spoke, etc… and as a result they put up resistance and fought back. When I began our unschooling journey and my unlearning of all of these beliefs, I realised I had been living a life I didn’t choose. I was living a life that I was expected to be living. I also realised it was the same for my children – they had been living a life I was creating for them, and I no longer wanted to do this. It wasn’t who I truly was as a mother.
When I stepped back and allowed my children to make their own decisions, that is when the magic really happened! They grew and learned in leaps and bounds! They became wise, mature, confident and successful. They made mistakes and learned from them. Sometimes they made a wrong decision, which helped them to know the right one. The bad decisions were accepted and seen as part of their development, and these sometimes wrong choices made them even stronger!
It’s been 13 years of living this way with my children and I can say that it works! I haven’t experienced resistance, rebellion, or fighting with my kids in a really, really long time! It’s not always easy to sometimes have to sit back, be quiet, and just watch our children direct their own lives, but it is the path to joyful, intimate parenting!
When children are taught to listen to themselves when presented with choices, we are enabling them to stay true to themselves and live as their full potential. This does not mean that we cannot ask things of them, or explain that some things they have to do – like use the toilet or respect others’ boundaries, but if we can always aim to present them with options, this will teach them the power of decision-making – a crucial skill needed to build a successful life.
These questions could look like:
• Do you want to use the toilet now or in 5 minutes?
• It’s very cold; do you want the blue jacket or the red one?
• I need a few minutes to myself; do you want to cuddle me in 10 minutes or in 30 minutes?
• You need to try use the toilet; do you want to go in the potty or the big toilet?
• We have to leave now; do you want to walk or be carried?
• It’s time for bed; do you want me to lay with you or let you play with some toys for a bit?
• Would you like to take turns with the toy or choose a different one?
These are just a few examples, and can be particularly helpful for younger children when transitioning from being in control of them to giving them some choice. I admit, I didn’t always do it in this way, as living the unschooled life was freedom for me, and meant that there were rarely situations where a choice was needed, as my children were just naturally choosing their moment to moment experiences.
I also became so observant and in tune with my children’s passions and interests and planned our life according to these, so we were always doing what we all wanted and loved to do. However, I have recently realised the importance of giving children opportunities to make decisions when given options, as a way to practice using their inner responses and become aware of them.
This is why transitions do not work for me in childcare. In a public childcare setting, children are rarely given options, so they do not practice decision-making. Rather, they are constantly directed and told what to do, whether they agree with it or not! As a result, these children become rebellious and constantly want to act out in ways that are harmful, due to their frustration of not being able to use their built in response mechanism.
As an unschooling parent, I have trained myself to transition children according to their interests and cues, by having a keen awareness of their needs. Getting to know children is more of a “hands off” experience for me, in the sense that I aim to be the observer most of the time, and move into directing the children when I can see that they are either ready or willing.
What this looks like for me as an Early Childhood Educator is:
• Planning activities that are more spontaneous and based on what I know each child enjoys and shows interest in.
• Allowing the children to do an activity or to play in a particular way for as long as they want to.
• Giving options when there are things that need to happen, like rest time or using the toilet.
• Not having set meal times so the children can eat when they are hungry and not eat when they don’t feel hungry.
• Not forcing children to sleep when they are not tired.
• Creating a schedule that is flexible and follows the natural rhythms of the children.
What I have found within my own daycare is that I am very rarely met with resistance from the children, even when I do direct them or set boundaries as an authority figure. This is because the children know that they have choice. It is amazing how cooperative they can be and want to follow instructions when they know they have this freedom. When we respect children and let them make decisions, they naturally respect and look up to us in return! In this way, we teach them how to be strong, responsible people in the world!
It is my wish that all children stay tuned to their inner guidance and become strong decision-makers in the world!
Much love,
Leisa ❤️
Leisa Coleman 