Rebellion is a normal part of childhood. It is the act of developing a sense of self with boundaries and resisting authority. If allowed and accepted, rebellion can be a healthy way for children to learn about who they are, stay aligned with their true, authentic selves, and exercise their free will safely. However, if seen as bad or wrong, rebellion can develop in unhealthy, unsafe ways during childhood and later in life.
It is important to teach our children that their voice matters, their preferences, likes and dislikes matter, that their sense of right or wrong matter, and that “normal” is not always what the world says it should be. Raising children to be free thinkers with their own opinions and perspectives is the best thing we can do as parents, rather than imposing our own views of the world onto them and expecting them to comply and feel the same way.
It is also important not to impose authority onto them in a controlling, forceful way. When we treat children as though we are bigger, stronger, and know more than them, and that we are “the boss,” we leave little room for them to align with their own inner authority, which can make them feel small and incapable of directing their own lives. Showing children that they can be trusted and treating them as wise, capable beings is what allows this inner authority to flourish, leaving no reason for them to rebel.
More control = more rebellion, it’s quite simple, though this struggle between parent and child is far from simple and causes so much distress and suffering. The more we try and impose limits, rules and authority, the more they push back and try to gain control back. It’s not that they are purposely being defiant or unwilling to listen, they just tend to shut down and protect themselves when there is control. Children are already connected to their inner authority and trust it to guide them, however, if us parents claim to be the authority they should listen to, this overwrites their inner authority, and their way of expressing this is through rebellion.
Rebellion can look different for each child. It can be seen as not hearing parents’ instructions, refusing to do as they are told, saying “No” or displaying aggressive behaviour. In extreme cases, rebellion in children can be seen as violence towards others, and as they become older, mistreatment of others, crime or drug abuse. The more control a child experiences during childhood, the more likely they are to develop unhealthy habits in adulthood, including suppressing emotion or emotional withdrawal in relationships, anti-social behaviour, drug and alcohol use, or aggression towards their own children or spouse. This isn’t always the case, particularly if we have some awareness and ability to reflect on our behaviours.
Rebellion in children can also be seen as a healthy way of exploring themselves and trying on new identities. We may see our teenager wanting to get piercings and shave their hair into a mohawk and think they are abnormal or misbehaving, yet it could be how they feel most comfortable and closest to their true, authentic selves. Wanting to be different, exuberant, or “out there” can be natural for some children, and other children may do this as a way to not be the straight, properly dressed, normal child who fits into society that their parents have expected of them. It can also be a way of celebrating their uniqueness in a world that dictates what normal should look like for everyone.
When my children want to stand out from the rest and be something different, this shows maturity, courage and strength. I celebrate with them! Being different isn’t always about getting piercings or wearing punk rock clothes, it can also be about having a different say or different thoughts than others. It can be disagreeing with parents or expressing emotion. The more we try to mold our children into a perfect image and try to control who they are, the more likely they are to rebel. Without control, rules and limits, they have nothing to rebel against.
If we can view rebellion in our children as healthy and normal and respect who they are, we are less likely to be met with unhealthy rebellion. We are free to choose the meanings we place onto the things our children do, but we don’t always know this. We tend to react the same way our parents did towards us when we tried to be our unique selves. We may not know how to raise our children any differently if we were never shown what that looked like in our own childhood. We may have had to stuff down our emotions or were told we had to be a certain way, so it is understandable if we know no other way to parent our children. The more we begin to question our perspectives, beliefs and expectations, the easier it becomes to separate from the truth of our parents and see more clearly our own truth.
I have experience with both the healthy and unhealthy kind of rebellion, in both childcare and in my personal life. Having experienced abuse and a great deal of control as a child, I later rebelled in a very extreme way. By the time I was 15, I left home with a garbage bag full of clothes and nowhere to live. I slept at friends’ places whenever possible, eventually moving in with drug dealers and criminals and using drugs. I was willing to try everything and do anything, no matter how dangerous or wrong, which led to a drug overdose at age 16 that almost killed me.
While I don’t blame my parents, and can even align with a higher perspective that I chose to have this experience to learn from it, it is a good example of unhealthy rebellion. When things are repressed and healthy rebellion is not allowed, and when you are told to keep quiet and do as you’re told constantly, it has to come out at some point. Mine came out all at once and sent me on a crazy rampage that lasted many years. Thankfully, my path was to heal and grow from this and awaken to my inner truth and authority, so I don’t regret my past, as suffering creates beauty and strength. Everything turned out exactly how it was meant to!
My past experiences and learning has shown me that there is another way. It has enabled me to parent my children in a way that allows healthy rebellion. Once I began healing myself, I came to see my children’s uniqueness and resistance to certain things as admirable and I started to respect them more. Their tantrums and outbursts were a form of expression and allowed. Their choice in activities, appearance, and even their learning was allowed, eventually leading to “rebelling” against the public schooling system and unschooling them. They began to be their own authority and direct their own lives in a safe space that embraced rebellion and saw it as a natural, necessary part of healthy development.
Many years later, as my kids have grown into teenagers and adults, I am yet to see any form of unhealthy rebellion. I don’t see crime, drug use, violence or anti-social behaviours. I have not had to mold them into perfect human beings, yet they easily fit into society as needed – piercings and all, mohawks and all, fashion and all, unschoolers and all, who bypassed the conditioning in schools and at home that is often a recipe for unhealthy rebellion.
This has also helped me as an Early Childhood Educator. Working in public childcare, which tends to use control and force as a foundation for managing the children, I saw a lot of rebellion – both healthy and unhealthy. As I observed other educators and children, I noticed that the more control imposed onto the children, the more they tried to rebel. This was often seen as “out of control” behaviour when authority figures were not around. In extreme cases, I would witness furniture being thrown, educators hit, and violence in the playground. I made a video about this, which you can watch here.
When I became the Lead Educator in what was considered the most difficult room in the centre, I did what I knew – I treated the children with respect and used authority in a kind, equal way whenever possible, and many of these unwanted behaviours subsided or lessened in intensity. I allowed them to say “No,” have some choice, and express their emotions, and as a result they rarely rebelled and were generally happy to follow instructions, just as my own children had been.
Now, with my own Family Daycare, I have created a safe space for children to be connected to their inner authority, so there is no need to rebel. I pride myself on making it through the unhealthy rebellion I needed to experience, in order to be here right now, running my own business, teaching children the importance of being who they truly are. I’ve let go of the past and moved away from the traditional way of being a parent and an educator to live as my true, authentic self and do what feels right to me. In this way, I am rebelling in a healthy way.
May we all be in harmony with our children and with ourselves!
Much love,
Leisa ❤️
Leisa Coleman 