We may not always realise it, but how we speak to children can play a big part in the relationships we form with them and the level of trust they develop for us as educators in childcare. I have found that in order to become aware of how we speak to children we first need to become aware of the beliefs, perspectives, expectations and patterns of relating we have formed through our own upbringing that leads us to see children in a particular way and not be able to understand their needs. Without the understanding of the needs of children, we cannot communicate in appropriate ways; as mature adults who are guiding and supporting them. Instead, we will communicate from our own unhealed wounds and inner child who was never seen or understood during childhood. We may speak in the same way our parents spoke to us as children.
Working in a large childcare centre, I came to learn the language of an educator well. While I have seen some educators mean well and have good intentions, some be kind and gentle, I have also seen others who have no awareness or self-control over the way they speak to children. I have heard many things, some which have felt to be not so impactful, others that have left me in tears and ready to quit. It took a great deal of commitment to finish my qualification in order to stay in this profession, and it also helped me to develop more compassion – for both the children and the educators who were just doing their best with what they knew. If we have not yet awakened to our own traumas and suffering, we will run on autopilot and not even know there is another way.
Without realising it, the way many educators communicate with children is in the form of dishonesty, manipulation, bribery, threats, misunderstanding and shame. I would be lying if I said that during my time there I took no part whatsoever in these forms of communication from time to time, in a desperate attempt to do my job as was expected of me. There was a period of time when I felt immense overwhelm and forgot who I was for a moment, and it was short-lived. The pressure of having to get resistant kids to follow the routines and rules had me resort to bribes and sometimes threats (no going outside or playing) and even force (picking up a child and placing them on their bed or ordering them to go to sleep). It is important for me to clarify that I did not physically harm any children and only reacted this way in extreme situations (such as a child running around the room making noise while other children were trying to sleep). Occasionally, my words caused a child to cry and I would then apologise and comfort them with cuddles and gentle words.
The pain that this would cause me would be enough to bring myself back to what was real and true to me. Other educators saw my actions and thought it was normal and that I was doing a good job, but to me I was failing. Inside was so much guilt and remorse, and the only thing I could do was to make it right by the children by striving to do better and make amends. I would go to work the next day and be extra playful and kind to a child I had been grumpy with the day before. I would tell them how sorry I was for being cranky and that it wasn’t their fault. I would let them express their feelings to me about it and say I understand. Because I knew that the situation and environment required me to get things done in a timely manner, I developed strategies and ways to communicate with the children that were still firm yet kind when needed. I accepted that the children needed to do certain things but was determined to carry out these tasks with more love and understanding.
Patience is not something that comes easily in the field of childcare. Most of the time when educators are speaking to children it is to get them to follow orders, behave in a certain way, or to not show emotion. Because everything is done according to a plan, schedule and expectations, there is this constant looming pressure that can cause us to act in rash, unkind ways. There’s no time for understanding, listening and allowing in childcare; it’s just Go, Go, Go, until the day ends! This was the way I lived my life as a mother before I awakened to unschooling and alternative parenting methods. I realised years later that the way I spoke to my children was to get them to be a certain way or do certain things that I had planned out for them, and all they were doing in their resistance was trying to communicate in their own way what they wanted and needed. It wasn’t until I came to see that none of the things I expected of them were realistic and didn’t need to be done that I no longer needed to use the language I was using to communicate with them. I no longer needed to say things to get them to follow rules, there was no schedule to keep up with, and they were free to live their lives however was fit for them.
This made it easy for me to see how the same patterns played out in childcare. As an educator, I once again had to implement these plans and rules which was very difficult, especially as the children got older and became better at resisting control. If I’d had it my way, I wouldn’t have had all the transitions and planning in place that caused them to be resistant, in turn causing educators to become forceful and speak harshly. Yet I accepted my temporary role for the sake of qualifying and implemented my own language that connected to the children in ways that helped them to feel understood and accepted. Childcare should be about meeting the needs of all children as best as possible, and this includes emotional needs and the need for understanding and acceptance. This cannot be done if those working in this field have no self-awareness or self-reflection. Self-reflection is the ability to recognise one’s own thoughts, emotions and actions and where they stem from. When we begin to understand our own resistance and suffering, we begin to change the way we relate and communicate with others.
Here is the language by educators that I noticed when working in public childcare:
“You are OK.”
This was something I heard constantly from certain educators working in childcare. Often, if a child would start crying, they would tell that child that they are OK, before even knowing why they were crying. In telling a child they are Ok, rather than asking them “Are you OK?” we are essentially sending them the message that there is no need to be feeling emotion. No matter how small or big the detail, a child never cries for no reason. There is always a reason. Even if another child lightly bumps him and causes no harm, but he begins crying as though he has been hurt, he is still trying to communicate something. By asking the child “Are you Ok?” we are showing him that we care about his feelings and acknowledge his needs. Even if we cannot know the exact need, we can show understanding that there is a need. Perhaps the child did not get hurt but was already feeling sad and abandoned, and the light bump from another child triggered his feelings of not wanting to be in care, and truly needing an intimate connection with his parent. Young children cannot express their needs clearly, and as educators we must develop a keen awareness to identify these triggers and possible needs and provide comfort and understanding.
When an educator is quick to tell a child that they are Ok, they are attempting to get the child to stop showing emotion rather than encouraging that child to healthily express and process those emotions. I have found that when this is the case it is due to the educator being uncomfortable with feeling emotion themselves. This child acting out and crying can trigger our own deep suppressed emotions and we desperately try to stop in the child what we are afraid to feel in ourselves. Understanding this is why I was able to tolerate my co-workers in these scenarios; because I have been through it. I understand what it means to see a child showing emotion and be triggered into making them stop out of fear of having to see my own suffering. Many children in childcare are suffering and are constantly reflecting back to us our own pain of being abandoned by our parents. When we finally face this in ourselves and find healing, we move towards a crying child with open arms, ready to soften the blow.
“Where are your listening ears?”
I’m sure you have all heard this before; I can remember this saying being used when my children went to school, and even as far back as my own time in the classroom. So what exactly are these listening ears we hear about? And does this make sense to a two or three year old?
The most common things that are said to children in childcare are in relation to their refusal to listen to educators and do as they are told. Many educators are not aware of what causes a child to not listen and resort to bribes and punishments (even if they are seemingly harmless) to get the children following orders according to plan. I must say what all us educators know but may not admit: This does not work.
The older a child becomes, the more resistant they become. As they begin to develop their sense of self, autonomy and boundaries, they also develop their inner knowing of what is right or good for them. They are not as naive and uneducated as we think; they are intelligent, intuitive beings who know that it isn’t right to dictate another person’s life and tell them who they should be. They know when they are ready for certain things and not for others; they are tapped into their internal guidance which is directing them every minute of the day and become adept at knowing what they need, even if they cannot always communicate it. It is our job as educators to learn about their needs, and if we get it wrong they will certainly let us know!
Children don’t respond well to demands. However, when their needs are being met, they are seen and understood, and have a good level of respect for their autonomy and boundaries, they are far more compliant and willing to listen. When we put on our listening ears and meet them where they are, they will more likely meet us where we are at and listen. Children are more likely to have listening ears when they are asked rather than told what to do. They follow by example, not orders. The truth is, they only have one set of ears they cannot take off and replace with better ones that hear our demands. They have selective hearing and this is for a reason; they are so engaged in what their inner joy is guiding them towards that they find it difficult to transition from one thing to the next. Transitions don’t work for young children because they are so easily guided by their internal guidance and find it hard to immediately switch off from one thing to the next. If we want a child’s attention, we must either allow them to transition naturally on their own, or make transitions gradual, as educators who join them in their play time and grab their attention through being an equal play mate who gets them and invites them to something else, rather than forces them.
Playing with children is the fastest way to connect with them and get them to follow instructions. When we are connecting with them on their level they want to listen to us, follow us and take an interest in us. Once we begin to grasp a child’s inability to listen rather than make them feel wrong or bad for it, we can be the example and change we wish to see in them. Respectful educator/child relationships is what creates coherence and co-operation and this requires educators to respect the needs, autonomy and boundaries of a child, in order for them to learn to do the same.
“You need to find something to do.”
I heard this often by certain educators whenever they would see a child crying for their parent or sitting on my lap getting a cuddle. The child who was perfectly happy sitting with me or crying in my arms for “Mummy” would be told that they were OK and that they need to find an activity to do. Usually these comments were actually meant towards me for comforting the child rather than distracting them from their emotions. In childcare it is not considered OK or normal to cry for your parents, especially all day. It’s actually not normal, because the child should actually be in a state of attachment with their parent in order to feel happy, safe and be able to enjoy their environment, but it is normal for their situation. While most of the children learn to find enjoyment in their environment, they feel a constant separation from their parent and will often express this in ways that educators aren’t able to recognise or understand. It is during these times that they need the opposite of distraction; they need reassurance, connection, attachment and physical comfort from their educator.
Distracting a child in distress or dissatisfaction does not work because the child is seeking to have their feelings seen and validated. Encouraging a child to do something other than cry or need a cuddle is telling them to suppress their emotions instead of helping them to process them in a healthy way. It is the common assumption that children who are upset need to have fun in order to feel better, but children are more likely to experience something as fun once their emotional needs have been met and they feel seen, heard and understood. The most important, crucial act that is missing in childcare is the act of Proper Mirroring. I explain in a previous post what Proper Mirroring is, but it is essentially reflecting back to a child how they are feeling; showing them that their reality is true and real. When we try and distract a child away from their reality, we are in the act of Improper Mirroring; which is to invalidate and reflect back to them a completely different reality that is not theirs. When we meet a child where they are at, they will not stay upset all day. My experience has been – with both my own children and those in my care – that when a child feels safe, attached and loved, they will naturally be guided to engage in enjoyment and play. It is our job as educators to form a healthy attachment to children in care in the absence of their parents.
“You’re not being nice to my friends.”
This was often said whenever a child would hurt another child or disturb other children during rest time. I can see how this kind of language was developed to encourage children to see their peers as friends and to teach respect for others at all times. But it is also used to make the child see that they have also upset their educator and done wrong by them by upsetting “their” friend, which can actually make the child feel alienated, excluded and ashamed.
Young children never act out with the intention of hurting another. This usually happens because a child’s boundary is not being acknowledged or respected, or because they have a deep, unmet need that they do not know how to express. Children cannot always use words to convey what they are feeling or needing, so they tend to do this through hitting, biting, scratching, pushing or snatching from other children. Many times when a child acts out in this way, they are standing up for themselves or expressing suppressed anger and frustration, but sometimes all us educators see is the violent act and not the cause of it. Sometimes children hurt others for no reason apart from an internal reason of their own we cannot see. Perhaps they feel powerless and out of control, and try to exercise control over others. Perhaps they have learned these behaviors from overbearing parents who act in aggressive ways, or perhaps they feel like no one is listening to them or sees them, and they do it for any kind of attention. The kind of attention we give them during these instances is the difference between encouraging these behaviors or discouraging.
We may think that by trying to guilt them with saying things like “You are not being nice to my friends” they will be discouraged and feel empathy for their peers, but this isn’t the case. Children feel empathy naturally when their emotional needs are met and when others are empathetic towards them. We cannot teach children empathy by making them feel wrong or guilty, because most of the times when a child snatches a toy or yells and hits another child, they are acting from honesty; they are displaying a natural response to conflict with other children and learning how to solve problems on their own. This is not to say that as educators we should not step in and stop violence or supervise children more intently, but we can prevent things and even comfort a hurt child without making another child wrong. Or we could address the child doing the hurting and be more attentive of their needs and find ways to include and accept them to reduce the need for lashing out.
I go into great detail about conflict with children in my chapter “Creating a safe space for fighting” in my book: Free Flowing Family: A Journey of Unschooling through Awakening and Healing.
“You’re choosing Red/Blue actions.”
I have heard this saying a few times in a childcare setting and I don’t find it helpful. When a childcare centre has a protocol for dealing with unwanted behaviors in children that emphasises that a child is either “good” or “bad” it is not a solution, and can promote the bad behavior.
To put it simply: Children behave badly when they are treated badly. To understand behaviors in children one must not only be trained in behavior management, but also have some understanding of trauma and psychology. I am not a trained psychologist; my understanding comes from my own self-reflection and trauma healing. When we explore our own psychology we can more easily understand how behaviors come to be in others. When we heal our inner child, only then can we really help children in the world heal the traumas that are expressed through their unwanted behaviors. When a child displays an unwanted behavior, by telling them they are “Choosing a Red Action” only reinforces that they are bad; it doesn’t actually help them. We cannot make young children responsible for their actions when even they do not understand why they behave the way they do. It is our job as educators to get to know the child, why they behave the way they do and meet them where they are at. It is my experience that any child who has a healthy attachment to their parent, is given love and support and accepted for who they are does not usually behave inappropriately. If these things are not available to them, we as educators must develop this kind of relationship with them.
Children who behave inappropriately in childcare are likely used to being told they are bad, wrong and not accepted for their expression at home. They do not need more of it when they come to daycare. Rather than labeling certain behaviors as good or bad, we can try to understand these behaviors and be a support person for these children rather than just another authoritative figure in their lives. We as adults are the ones who have the ability to be responsible for our actions, and be an example to children who come into our care. Let’s take responsibility for our own behaviors first before we put protocols in place for young children to do what they are just not yet capable of doing without the correct support.
How we speak to children and the language we use can have a significant effect on a child’s life. We as educators need to ask ourselves the important questions: Do we want to pass down generations of unhealthy relating, or do we want to break this cycle and actually be of service to children? Do we want to enable and encourage unwanted behaviors or do we want to enable and encourage free, confident, valued and strong children? Asking these questions can help us become clear about our role as educators and strive to be the best carers for our children!
Wishing healing and joyful relating for all!
With Love,
Leisa ❤
Leisa Coleman 