As parents and educators, it is much easier to believe that children are just “bad” or “naughty” than to face the possibility that we may have something to do with their unwanted behaviour. We tend to see this rubber band effect, where our child misbehaves and we have a reaction, then our child has a reaction to our reaction and so on. It becomes this never-ending push and pull that we believe all started with our child. But there comes a time when we must wonder: What if it starts with us? What if we come first?
In my experience, children aren’t born already wired to misbehave. Although it is true that there are some children who may be predisposed to certain conditions, behaviours or illnesses, most children develop according to their environment and upbringing. There are many factors that can influence children and their behaviour, but the biggest factor of all is a child’s primary caregivers.
In a child’s early years, their experience of the world begins with their parents. If their parents meet their emotional needs most of the time, they will become securely attached and form a healthy, safe perspective of the world and others. If their parents struggle to meet their emotional needs, children may form an unhealthy, unsafe perspective of the world and others and begin to show signs of this through misbehaving. To learn more about attachment styles there is great article here.
The ways in which we relate to children and meet their emotional needs has a big impact on how they develop and relate to us and others. Children are looking to us adults for what is right, wrong, good, bad, acceptable, unacceptable, lovable or unlovable. If we want well-behaved, respectful, kind, cooperative children, we must teach them what that looks like – not through our words, but through our actions.
If we order them around constantly instead of asking nicely, they will learn that this is what is acceptable in the world. Then, when they themselves do this and start demanding instead of asking, they get into trouble and become confused.
If we punish them or use aggressive behaviour towards them or others in front of them, they will learn that this is what is acceptable and may begin doing the same thing.
If we do not respect their boundaries, free choice, preferences or aversions, they will learn to be disrespectful towards themselves and others.
If we do not allow them to express their emotions and show them that emotions are healthy, they will learn to suppress their emotions and act out in unhealthy ways to have them validated.
If we do not listen to them and take them seriously, they will learn to not listen to us or take us seriously.
We see these things in our children and become angry or upset, not realising that we are setting an example for them to follow. Teaching children respect, kindness, acceptance, politeness, and cooperation begins with treating them this way. They do not respond to our words, they respond to our behaviour and attitude.
Children misbehave regardless, even if they come from a loving home. This is a normal part of childhood. But a child who misbehaves constantly can be a sign that there is too much control, discipline and a lack of understanding and free expression in the home, daycare or school. As an Early Childhood Educator, I often encounter parents who are struggling to correct their child’s behaviour and will think more discipline is the answer. They don’t realise that it’s actually the discipline causing the unwanted behaviour.
A good example of this is how children behave when they are not around their primary caregiver, teacher or educator, particularly if they are very strict and controlling. Children tend to misbehave more when this person is not around as they see it as an opportunity to let out all of their pent up frustration and suppressed emotion. Rather than see this as a need in children that desires to be met, we clamp down even harder. Most of us do not know any other way because this is exactly how we ourselves were raised as children.
Once children feel safe expressing themselves and are accepted for who they are – flaws and all – their bad behaviour subsides. They become balanced and have no need to express themselves in unhealthy ways. Bad behaviour is a cry for love, and children don’t know that this is what is happening because it is happening subconsciously. It is up to us to become aware of our own behaviours and the emotional needs of our children.
The only way to truly do this is to break free from the conditioning we were born into. To break this cycle of discipline and bad behaviour, and to stand strong, calm and capable in the face of our child’s unruly, sometimes shocking ways of expressing themselves, is to meet our own needs and emotions more deeply. Many of us are still rubber-banding ourselves from a life of discipline, control and a lack of love. We weren’t heard, met, understood, accepted and truly seen. We did not have an example of compassion, respect and healthy expression. It’s not our fault that we don’t know how to be this example for our children.
The good news is, change is just around the corner! It’s never too late to turn it all around and start again, even if it takes us the rest of our lives! If we want our children to listen and take us seriously, we must learn to listen to them and take them seriously first. If we want them to respect us, we must learn to respect them first. If we want them to cooperate, we must learn to cooperate with them first. If we want them feel good, we must allow them to feel bad first. It has to start with us.
May we all have a wonderful journey with our children, filled with intimacy, joy and harmony.
Much love,
Leisa ❤️
Leisa Coleman 