Image by Violet Moore Higgins
As someone who works with children, I often hear parents express their frustration over trying to get their child to do certain things. Some of the things that can cause frustration can include children not sleeping or eating, not using the toilet, being overly emotional, not keeping their room tidy, or fighting with siblings.
The problem is in the title of this post; trying to get our children to do what WE want rather than what THEY want!
My awakening journey began with parenting my own children. I was shocked to discover that the biggest motive for wanting my children to do all of these things was what I was thinking and believing about them. Many parents feel hopeless and trapped in a constant battle with their child, not knowing the answers to these problems, and the answer I am going to share is an unusual one. Here it is: What if there didn’t need to be a solution?
This may not be what parents out there want to hear! This would mean that there’s nothing to do! How can that be a solution; to do nothing and allow our child to keep doing the things that frustrate us?!
Have you heard the saying “What you resist persists?” The answer lies in getting to the root of our own frustration. What we need to do is stop focusing on what our child is doing or not doing and turn towards our own feelings. It’s time to question why we need our children to do what we want them to do. We may not know how to even do this because no-one told us or taught us how! Here are some of the most important questions we can ask ourselves in the face of unwanted behaviors in our children:
Why does this bother me?
What does this mean about me?
How does this make me feel?
When was the first time I felt this way?
Where did I learn about what children should or shouldn’t do?
Why do I need my child to do this?
What bad thing will happen if they don’t?
What’s the worst that can happen?
What is this showing me about myself and what I need?
Is it really true that I need my child to do this?
How can I know for sure?
How would I feel if I didn’t need them to do this thing?
Questioning our thoughts and feelings is the first step in making any kind of progress towards a harmonious relationship with our children. The truth is we really don’t want to be constantly fighting with our child; it’s exhausting! It also triggers deep guilt within that we aren’t usually aware of. Not dealt with, this guilt can cause us to become even more frustrated and fight more with our children, because we are in a battle with our own emotions!
When I got up close and personal with my feelings, I discovered a whole lot of grief at the heart of my battles. I realised that my unhealed wounds from childhood were driving me to try and fix my children so I could feel better about myself. I also became aware that my beliefs about my children weren’t mine; they were handed down to me by my own parents and society. Underneath these beliefs I discovered the truth about myself and my children and it completely changed my life. As a result, my children have grown into young adults who have followed their own inner guidance, rather than having to please me by doing what I want them to do.
It’s true that some of the answers to the questions above are shocking! Let my child poop their pants?! Let them sleep when they want?! Let them learn without schooling?! Let them choose what they eat and when?! Let their room be messy?! Let them fight with each other?! Yes, it can certainly seem wild! But once these stressful beliefs are looked at and questioned, and once our grief is met and allowed to heal, it really doesn’t seem shocking at all. In fact, it seems more normal!
This in no way means we do nothing to help, direct and guide our children. It isn’t that we need to stop trying; it’s more about what is motivating and directing our efforts. It’s a bit like coming full circle; first we try, then we remove the trying altogether, then we try again, only it’s brand new and has a different flavour to it. It’s coming from compassion and alignment rather than unhealthy, painful, restricting beliefs and unhealed emotions. And our children respond differently!
Our newfound sense of freedom and relaxation around these previously perceived flaws in our children may not result in a change in their behavior, but often it can. We may find they become more cooperative or suddenly do the things we once needed them to. Without the constant hovering and pressure from their parents, children can be surprisingly wise and just know the right time to do things they need to do. If not, trying to see that ultimately there is no harm in them not doing these things is the quickest way to move on and enjoy being parents!
Another way to get children to cooperate and do things we want is to stop being parents in the authoritarian sense and to start getting down to their level as partners in learning and play. We need to accept that we may not know everything and be prepared to practise and experiment alongside them. Playing with our children is the fastest way to become closer to them and gain their respect and cooperation. Letting go of the authoritarian approach can only be possible through our own awakening and healing the effects of having been parented in this way.
Taking this approach to parenting has resulted in many of these frustrating behaviors in my children subsiding or ceasing to be an issue. The new perspectives I discovered allowed me to see no harm in them fighting with each other, sleeping unusual times, eating whatever they wanted, or having a messy bedroom. Allowing all of these things to play out naturally, with guidance, support and gentle encouragement has seen them learn how to regulate their own emotions and bodies and come into alignment with their own individual needs.
Although this seems like a “hands off” approach it’s actually the opposite. It may be hands off, but it’s awareness and fine tuning, which allows for understanding and compassion towards our children. There is still action and physical work, it’s just not as stressful! The act of trying to fine tune and direct our children without the awareness of our own inner world, or theirs just backfires and creates defiant, rebellious children, and that’s healthy and normal for children who just want to be allowed to be who they are!
The quickest way to get our children to do what we want is to stop wanting them to! It may be hard to turn our attention away from their behaviors and towards our own, but in the long run it’s the easy path! The rewards are greater connection to our children and an enjoyable parenting journey!
For more detailed reading about how I overcame each of the unwanted behaviors in my children, including sleep, fighting, schooling, and emotional outbursts, you can read my book: Free Flowing Family: A Journey of Unschooling Through Awakening and Healing.
Wishing you all a peaceful, stress-free parenting journey!
With Love,
Leisa ❤️
Leisa Coleman 