It is a misconception that children only learn through being taught by others, and that they do not possess the necessary skills to develop their own sense of right and wrong, or good and bad.
It is also untrue that children who are unschooled and raised without limits or rules cannot have some simple, harmless rules they must follow, if they are implemented with the intention of self-directed learning rather than through teaching.
The healthiest way to give children responsibility is to allow them to make mistakes and learn from them, make their own decisions and life choices, and to treat them as trustworthy and capable of understanding their own needs.
However, this is not to say that every single thing our child wants or chooses they can have or do, but it is possible to raise our children in a way that allows self-directed learning through both freedom and limitation.
This has taken me many years on the unschooling path to learn! When I started out unschooling my children, I went for the more ‘Radical’ approach, where I removed most limits and rules, abandoned all structure, and rebelled against the system. It was an important step for me to take, as it was an ‘undoing’ of the beliefs and perspectives that were taught to me growing up. It was only natural that I wanted a clean slate so that I could work out for myself what the best approach to parenting was, through my own self-directed learning, rather than having been taught.
Not everything we are taught is true. It is important to recognise that we each have our own personal values, attitudes and beliefs that are true for us, but not necessarily true for others. There are going to be people in our lives who align with our values, attitudes and beliefs, and people who do not. In order to become aware of our own personal truths, we must be willing to question and let go of what others have taught us about right from wrong, good from bad.
Once I did this, I began to recognise more clearly the things that were true or untrue for me by the way I felt. Most of the beliefs I had about my children felt stressful and caused me suffering. When I cleared away the mud and confusion, and unhealthy perspectives, I became more attuned to my intuition – that subtle inner voice within that already knows what’s true. It felt good and more right for me to let go of all those stressful beliefs.
Over the years, I began to realise that there isn’t a ‘one size fits all’ approach to parenting and unschooling. I began to recognise that I aligned with some aspects of no rules or limits, but not with others. An example is: Just because I allow my children free expression and accept who they are, doesn’t mean I have to accept being spoken to by them in an unkind way.
Another example is: Just because my children don’t have set bedtimes and can sleep whenever they choose, doesn’t mean I have to accept being woken up by them in the middle of the night to prepare food.
The important thing here is to acknowledge that when we want to implement a rule or limit for our children to follow, it should not come from a fixed belief that we have not questioned, rather, from our own personal values and boundaries. As an unschooling parent, I have realised that I do need some rules and limits in place in order to honour my own boundaries, however, this is about what’s right for me, not about what I believe is right or wrong for my children.
When implementing rules and limits for our children, we must do it with the intention of allowing them to learn through the consequences of their own choices, not to validate our own beliefs. Loving our children unconditionally does not mean there are no conditions. It means that we accept them for who they are and what they desire, but that there may be some conditions needed to stay safe, respect others, and reach their goals in a healthy way.
Here are just a few examples of how certain rules and limitations can be beneficial for both parent and child, by having conditions in place that allow learning through consequence, while continuing to allow their freedom and autonomy:
• Bedtimes
Condition: “You can choose the time you go to sleep, but when I go to bed you must remain in your room and play quietly, and get your own snacks.”
Consequences: If the child chooses to stay up when the parents have gone to bed, they must get their own food when hungry, rather than have their parents get it. If they do not want to do this, they may go hungry until the parents are up, or try to set a sleep routine that matches their parents more closely.
Condition: “You can go to sleep whenever you want but I will need to wake you early in the morning to go out.”
Consequences: If the child does not get enough asleep they will awaken tired and may feel sluggish and irritable throughout the day. They may choose to stay home instead of going out in order to continue sleeping, and miss out on the planned activity. They may regret it later and decide to set a different sleep routine for the next time they need to go out.
• Money
Condition: “I don’t have enough to buy you that right now, but maybe we can begin a weekly allowance so you can save up for it, or perhaps there are some jobs you could apply for to earn your own income.”
Consequences: If the child wants extra money to buy things, and finances are low, they can practise saving or find ways to make an income if they are old enough. If they do not wish to do this, they may miss out on certain things they want until a later time.
• Chores
Condition: “You don’t have to clean your room, but you have to bring out all the dishes you use for me to clean so I don’t have to come looking for them.”
Consequences: The child lives in a messy room where things become misplaced, they have to find dishes they have left in their room when asked, they have no room to walk, their room may attract cockroaches or other insects. The child may become sick of the mess and decide they want their room clean.
Condition: “I can clean your room for you, but you have to help. You have to pick up all the garbage and take out all your dirty washing.”
Consequences: If the child wants to let their room become too messy, there will be more work involved. If they want their parents to do it for them, they need to help and clean as well.
• Kindness
Condition: “You are allowed to be angry and feel unkind towards me, but if you hit me I will not do that thing for you.”
Consequence: When the child mistreats someone, that person may not want to be around them or do things for them. They may not get what they want through being unkind and hurtful towards others.
The dialogue I have used is just an example; I no longer need to actually say these things to my children, as these have naturally become the consequences of their choices. It is important to note that none of these consequences are a form of punishment; in a way these limits have been created through my children’s choices, not through my own assumptions and resistance to their choices.
These conditions are not always fixed and are flexible. It can depend on the day, the mood of my child or the circumstances. For example: My youngest child could be very tired or anxious and need extra support, instead of me becoming angry and controlling. I might accept that on that particular day my sleep may be delayed, or that I may have to make him one last thing to eat before going to bed. My husband may stay up later than me to be available to our child while he is still learning to be alone at night.
If my eldest is in between jobs and has no money, I may support him financially until he starts earning income again. Also, if I have extra money I may buy my child something they ask for instead of asking them to save for it.
I may get tired of my child having a messy room and offer to clean it myself, even if they do not agree to help. This becomes my responsibility, as I am the one unhappy with the mess. Or, they may want their room cleaned and when asked to help, refuse. I can choose to react negatively, refuse to clean the room or just proceed to clean it anyway if I am happy to do so.
Or, there may be times when my child is cranky and demanding towards me and I can understand that it isn’t personally about me. I may see that they are just over-tired or feeling a certain way because of others, and still do things for them anyway.
Only when we are living with unquestioned beliefs and expectations of how children should live and behave, do we resist allowing them to learn through their own choices and actions. We might believe things such as:
Children should go to bed when they’re told!
Children shouldn’t always ask for things; they should get a job and earn their own money!
Children should learn to clean their own rooms themselves!
Children should respect their parents and not back chat!
Children should do as they are told!
Believing these things will make it difficult to allow our children to learn through consequences rather than teaching, and they may never know how to achieve something through their own desires. Many of these conditions and their consequences actually inspire children to learn new things and develop their emerging autonomy.
Not always being available to make food for my children has allowed them to teach themselves how to cook. Not always being able to provide my children with money has allowed them to gain employment and feel empowered by earning their own money. The difference between them learning this on their own and being told that’s what they should do, is that they chose it and desired it.
This way everyone wins! Each person’s freedom, boundaries and choices are respected and allowed, while following the rules that keep everyone’s values and beliefs aligned. Children become more independent, confident and capable when they are given the opportunity to learn rules and limits freely, in a supportive, loving way.
Leisa ❤️
Leisa Coleman 