Dealing with unwanted behaviors in children

Image created by Liliane Najm using Discord’s AI technology

One thing I would hear a lot while working in long daycare, was how many children there were with behavior issues. These children were usually seen as being the problem and no-one seemed to understand what was driving these behaviors. Often, other educators would bring these children into the other rooms to “offload” them because they simply did not know how to cope with their outbursts and tantrums, or parents would approach me with concerns about their child, asking me why I thought they may be displaying attention seeking behaviors or disobeying orders at home.

I have witnessed children screaming hysterically, banging walls, throwing objects, punching educators and crying uncontrollably. I was even hit and scratched a few times. Although I was usually treated as someone who didn’t know how to handle these children, I felt like I was the only one who really understood them. Perhaps this was because I had been through it all before with my own children, but not only that; I had done my inner work. When you’ve done your inner work the things that once triggered you rarely do anymore. When you’ve cleared away the debris and faced your own suffering you become a clear mirror that can hold space for these challenging situations with a loving, non-judgmental presence. Inner work is the turning within ourselves to take responsibility for and heal our own emotional pain.

Without doing the inner work, most of us do not know how to deal with unwanted behaviors in children. This is because we have not yet come to understand our own childhood traumas and emotional needs. If we have not yet healed the painful things that happened to us, other people will trigger us – especially young children. Their emotional outbursts and resistance to control will trigger our own suppressed emotions and need for love and understanding. We will not be aware of this and will blame the child for the way we feel. Essentially, what we are seeing in children that causes an intense emotional reaction within us is an image of our own inner child who was not allowed to express their needs.

What we as children needed the most was to be seen, heard, felt and understood. That means having our parents mirror back to us our experience through unconditional acceptance. This tells us that our emotions are valid and real and that we are not alone. It is crucial to have this mirroring in childhood in order to develop our sense of self – who we are. Without it, we do not feel safe and loved, and are forced to bury our true feelings for the sake of being accepted. Rather than develop a healthy sense of self, we create a false self to cope with the pain and survive. Over time, we forget who we truly are and end up spending our lives being someone else in order to fit in and please others. This is suffering, and we take this suffering out on others. Anyone who displays unwanted behaviors and intense emotions will trigger the one inside of us who longs to be understood and loved for who we really are.

When seeing unwanted behaviors in children it is much easier to blame it on something like being on the autism spectrum, having developmental delays, special needs, or the food they eat, but it is actually more common for children to have these behavior problems as a result of their upbringing and the way they are treated by their parents and educators. This is not to say that certain disorders don’t exist, but the first step in addressing unwanted behaviors in children is to look at their environment and if their emotional needs are being met. Most of us don’t know what children’s needs are because we are relating to them from our own upbringing and not having our needs met, and if we have not yet recognised our own unmet needs, we will not be able to recognise them in children.

Most of my understanding of children doesn’t come from a book or a course. You may be wondering how I can know these things for sure, and I don’t. I am speaking purely from my own experiences and observations of my children and others. In my experience, until we question what we’ve always thought to be true and be willing to gain new perspectives, we are not in a place to claim to know the truth. If all we have ever done is follow the books and what society has told us is true, and not asked ourselves deeply what our own truth is, we cannot know what is right for us. It does not matter if we have worked in childcare for 30 years, or been a mother for more; if we have not faced our inner world and dealt with our own unwanted behaviors, we cannot say that we know what children need. Even after having worked on myself for so long, I still cannot say that I know it all; there are still things I am yet to learn! We are all a work in progress, but what’s most important is that we are taking steps towards our own healing.

There was a time when I followed the book and believed everything I was told about what children need. I sent my kids to bed early, told them what they should eat, who they should play with, how they should speak and feel, and sent them to school. I fought with them whenever they displayed challenging behaviors, because I too did not understand their needs. I now know that I was just trapped in my own pain, unable to express my own needs. I wasn’t aware of my inner truth because I had been told what my truth was for so long – by my parents, society and teachers. I didn’t understand why it didn’t feel good to believe the things I did, or treat my children the way I did. I didn’t listen to my instincts when dropping my children off at daycare or school that told me something wasn’t right; that I should just take them back home with me. I was too afraid to do what was best for them, or me, and instead ignored my inner truth and left them somewhere they didn’t want to be because I was told that’s what was best for my children. I had been taught that children go to school and parents go to work and that’s the way life is; we don’t get a choice.

But this couldn’t be furthest from the truth. Many of us send our children to daycare or school and work full time because that is what our parents did. As young children we learn from and mimic our parents; we look to them for signals and guidance on how to live our lives. We end up just being on a conveyor belt being moved by expectations and false beliefs, unaware that we do have choice. At any time we can stop, get off the conveyor belt and go in a different direction. We can create a new life that supports our inner truth, not the truth of others.

When I discovered homeschooling it was like winning the lottery. Nothing made more sense to me than to keep my children at home to grow up with me, and this was their preference too. I had to face teachers and parents who didn’t agree with what I was doing. They told me I was putting my kids at a disadvantage and that they wouldn’t progress in their learning if I took them out of school. They told me that without forcing them to learn every day they would not learn. They told me that without discipline and rules they would become out of control and walk all over me. More than a decade later and I can say with confidence that this never happened. They have all taught themselves everything they know, are well-balanced, self-regulated and content, and have respect and care for me. I found my truth and it completely changed my life.

I also began my healing journey and found new ways of relating to my children. I too faced angry outbursts from them and was often left bleeding from a bite or scratch marks. I would often have to hide in my bedroom and hold the door to stop one of my children from punching me. As I began to work on addressing my own needs I was able to understand what was behind these outbursts and over time they disappeared. The more healing I did, the happier my children were. I no longer reacted with resistance and anger in the midst of their emotions, instead I held space for them and was there for them until the end. They came to feel safe expressing their emotions around me because they knew I wouldn’t abandon them; they knew I could handle it. The more I allowed them to express and process their emotions, the more calm and happy they became. All unwanted behaviors vanished.

Children behave badly when they are treated badly. We may not abuse them or speak harshly to them, but if we do not listen when they are trying to express their needs they will act out. The more we resist against that acting out, the more they will act out. Then we are at the point where we feel helpless and need something to change. It’s usually our children we think need to change, but actually, their behavior is pointing towards something in ourselves that needs to change. It’s not our children who need therapy, it’s us parents! Once we come to look deeply within our own inner world, we begin to develop more awareness and understanding of why we all behave the way we do. Some things I would like to share that I have come to understand about why some children behave the way they do can be a result of both a childcare setting and at home. Here are some things based on my own experiences that I have linked to unwanted behaviors in children:

Lack of freedom/choice

Too much control in their lives over who they are, what they say, where they go, what they eat, when they sleep. Strict routines that do not allow for self-direction and self-awareness of own needs.
Solution: Less strict routines and transitions and more free, spontaneous play. As children get older they don’t grow out of this need and can just as easily learn through play. They don’t need constant planning and moving about from here to there and everywhere for the sake of some photos and ticking of the boxes, and then getting into trouble when they don’t comply! They did not make the rules, so blaming them for not meeting the system’s requirements sends them confusing signals!

Lack of trust

Not being trusted to know what is right for them, not allowed to direct their own lives based on their inner guidance.
Solution: Trust that children are always learning. They do not need to be forced or told how. Trust that they know their own bodies and what feels right to them. Rather than see them as too little to know what’s best for them, treat them as capable, strong beings who can depend on you for guidance. Simply supply the resources and let them do the rest! Don’t be their teacher, be their equal partner in learning!

Lack of autonomy

Not being allowed to develop cognitively, physically, emotionally or socially at their own pace. Being forced to adapt and fit in to society. Includes toilet training and weening.
Solution: Let them decide when they are ready for their next steps. Avoid taking dummies and soothers from them in daycare if these things make them feel safe and remind them of their connection to home. Avoid telling them to stop crying because “they are a big girl/boy now” because expressing emotion at any age is healthy. Allow them to be as immature or mature as they feel they are rather than forcing them to “grow up.”

Lack of respect for boundaries

Not listening to their “No” and forcing them to do things they don’t want to do. Not respecting their need for privacy, alone time, sleep/awake times, their refusal to eat things they don’t like, not wanting to go to school/daycare, wanting to play instead of cleaning, learning through play instead of schooling. Forcing them to go to the toilet when they are not ready.
Solution: Support them when they are tired and trust that when they are tired enough they will sleep. It is natural for children to fight sleep, even when we can see they are tired and ready to sleep. For older children, let them read on their beds instead, do a quiet activity or play outside. Let them stay awake in their bedroom as long as they agree to not disturb you while you sleep. Avoid toilet training when your child isn’t ready. It can be stressful for a child to sit on the toilet if they are not yet comfortable or familiar with using the toilet. Encourage them, but don’t make it about reaching a certain milestone or developing in a certain time frame.

Lack of empathy

Invalidating their experience and not seeing it as true and real for them. Not able to feel their emotions and have compassion. Not showing them that you care, are there for them, take them seriously and will do all you can to help them feel better.
Solution: If at daycare, mirror their reality and acknowledge that they do not want to be there. Agree with their truth that they feel they should be at home with their parent. Tell them you are sorry their parent left and that you want them to come back to take them home. Show emotion on your face to match theirs so they don’t feel alone and practise active listening – repeating back to them their own words so they know you have heard them. Avoid saying “You are ok,” as they do not feel ok and this is not mirroring their reality.

Lack of understanding

Being punished or shamed for their behavior instead of seeing the need underneath.
Solution: Avoid making a big deal over fighting with other children or misbehaving. Understand that there is an unmet need underneath the behavior, even if you don’t know what it is. Maybe they are feeling alone or excluded. Maybe they have pent up anger they need to express and don’t know how to direct it. Maybe they are feeling unseen and unloved. Support children to prevent injuries or comfort those injured, showing the same level of care for the one who is acting out. It’s likely that they are the ones who need it the most.

Lack of acceptance

Not being accepted for who they are, the way they express themselves, behave, their desires, needs and preferences. Made to feel wrong for the way they are and encouraged to be someone different for the sake of fitting in to the family or society.
Solution: Developing self-acceptance in ourselves is the fastest way to accept our children. If we are hard on ourselves, believe we are wrong or bad, we will see our children in this way. Children thrive and develop a healthy sense of self when they are accepted as who they are, no matter what emotions or behaviors they display. They want to know that they can be themselves and still be loved unconditionally by those around them. Parents play a crucial part in helping their children develop self acceptance. Seek ways to heal your own traumas and share them with those who can listen and support you.

Being in school/childcare

Children are not meant to be separated from their parents for long periods of time and are not wired this way. They are also not meant to derive their social interactions mainly from large groups of peers. This is possibly the biggest cause of unwanted behaviors in childcare – the children simply do not want to be there and are missing the connection and healthy attachment with their parent that they need to develop appropriately. Childcare does not address the real needs of children, so they are forced to be in an environment that doesn’t give them the emotional support and guidance they need. The childcare system is for the purposes of following regulations and rules, which goes against a child’s internal guidance. In order for a child to be happy and healthy they must have free choice, trust, autonomy, boundaries, empathy, understanding and acceptance.

Some things that I feel could help children to be happy and develop appropriate behaviors in addition to what I have already mentioned are:

Encourage children to express emotions

This can be done in a number of ways; though play, conversation and art. Children may have a number of things going on at home that they are unable to convey and acting out inappropriately is one way to try and express their feelings. Rather than punish them or tell them to stop, we can try and encourage them to talk about their feelings. I have found this to be easiest through song and play. Often, after an intense outburst when a child had moved into just crying, I would sing songs using their name and the emotion I was seeing in them. An example might be…”My name is Jordan and I am feeling sad, because I don’t want to be here, I want to go home…” I found that this calmed the child down enough to accept a cuddle and move on to playing.

Screen time

Despite the many warnings and claims about the use of screens being unhealthy for children, I have seen no such thing. Including some screen time in a child’s day, preferably unlimited can have several benefits. Children enjoy the use of screens for various activities and it can promote self-regulation and enjoyment. Unwanted behaviors that many speak about related to the use of screens is due to the restrictions and limitations placed on this play activity by parents and educators. In a childcare setting, allowing the children some screen time daily, such as a quiet movie or story can help the children to settle and have some down time.

Play

Children love to play with the adults in their life. Most parents and educators are simply present to make sure the health and safety of children is maintained, but rarely get down on their level and be their play partner. Playing with children is one of the fastest ways to encourage them to express pent up emotions, particularly anger and frustration, especially if some rough play is involved. Of course the regulations in childcare advise against this sort of play due to safety reasons, but we see children still being rough in the playground and at home because they have stored emotions that aren’t healthily processed. A healthy way to encourage children to process stored emotions is through playing with them – rough or not. It promotes connection, proper mirroring and acceptance and helps a child see you as someone who “gets them” rather than a threat.

Reading these examples might be daunting to some, but it is not my intention to place blame or make anyone wrong. It is simply an invitation for self-reflection, as the only way to actually address any of these things is to look at ourselves and what we are believing about children and why. Only then can we take real, helpful steps towards reducing some of these behaviors. Once we come to understand what children need – Freedom, choice, trust, autonomy, boundaries, empathy and understanding – we can support and guide them to be the best versions of themselves. Children thrive in an environment that feels safe, kind and loving and supports them to be themselves, and there are some important steps we can take to reduce unwanted behaviors and encourage happy, calm, well-balanced children.

Developing a management plan in childcare

Most times “special” needs are just regular needs. Any support/inclusion worker that is brought into a childcare service must have an understanding of the true needs of children if they hope to achieve a different outcome. They cannot simply just come in with a band aid solution that manages unwanted behaviors; they must also have the tools that address the underlying need and be willing to reduce the things that cause these behaviors. This is not always the case. Due to many of the regulations in place, the things that cause or contribute to challenging behaviors in children are often left unchanged. Then everyone wonders why nothing helps. It’s because they are trying to work within the system already designed, but this system isn’t working. Trying to work within a dysfunctional system doesn’t create change; only stepping outside of the system does. Inquire into strategies that can be introduced within the system and find new ways to still work within the regulations to help create the solutions I have mentioned above. As a lead educator, this approach to childcare did take some time to implement, and I am pleased to say that most of the unwanted behaviors I once saw in the children in my room disappeared.

In conclusion, the way forward is to turn within and question what we have always been told about the needs of children and what is best for them. Good chance it’s not actually true. Self-reflection is the foundation of any kind of change in both the home and in childcare. Without it we are just meeting dead end after dead end with no real solutions. It is my hope that we can come to embrace the behaviors of children, with the goal being to help them instead of fix them.

With love,
Leisa.