As an early childhood educator, I’m sure you’ve felt like running from the building many times, screaming and pulling your hair out! When things get overwhelming it can be hard to find your centre again; I understand this all too well! But you need to know that it isn’t your fault; the system has so many regulations and guidelines in place for educators to follow that it can be difficult to keep up, not to mention an unrealistic educator to child ratio, and before we know it we are neck deep in chaotic, uncontrollable children running wild!
Let me tell you that this chaotic behaviour in children is completely normal, just as your feelings of going crazy are. All they are doing is responding to the level of control that has been placed on them day after day, all day, leaving them no room to check in with their own centre and natural rhythm. It is actually not natural for children to be directed all day long, rather they need to be allowed to direct themselves while we provide guidance and support. Children do not consciously decide to be out of control, it is a “rubber band” effect as a result of too much control. In turn, educators increase the amount of control to try to get the children settled, causing a great deal of stress for both themselves and the children. Yelling at children is a clear indicator that more control is needed to bring calm to the room. How calm can be a result of yelling beats me and does not make any sense!
I’ve heard educators say that what uncontrollable children need is someone who is tough and will pull the children in line. Sure, I have seen this work in the short term; a child who is made to feel afraid of not listening or doing as they are told will do so, but the side effect of that is that they will become untrusting of educators and act out later on in unhealthy ways. To take this approach means to be in constant control of the children which is exhausting. The moment there is no yelling or controlling, we will see these unhealthy behaviours come out, in the way the children play and engage with others.
Forcing a child to listen does not make them listen. It does the opposite; it makes them shut off. It can be too distressing for a child to take on the angry energy of an educator so they become good at blocking it out. The key to getting children to listen is by giving them space to listen to themselves and direct their day. The more the adults around them are kind, empathetic and accept them rather than punish them, the more open and receptive they will be – they will want to listen.
How can I know these things for sure, how can it make sense that children are less chaotic when there is less control? Well, because I have tested this out for myself – both with my own children and the children I have cared for. I am first and foremost a playmate and a friend to children, not an authoritative figure. I do not demand children, I ask. I listen to their feelings rather than tell them to stop feeling them. I see them as capable, intuitive beings who know what they need, rather than small, helpless being who need others to tell them what’s best for them. And they appreciate it. They feel safe and accepted. This encourages them to be more co-operative and enables them to hear me speaking. They want to listen because the way I treat them appeals to them, and doesn’t make them feel intimidated or frustrated.
I used to have strict rules for my children and tightly controlled what they did, and I saw it backfire in many ways. They began lying and hiding things, doing certain things for attention and resisting my demands. This would make me more controlling, in turn making them more out of control. It wasn’t until I had a spiritual awakening and questioned my beliefs about my children that I began to realise that more control = more chaos. I completely changed everything around. I stopped forcing them to go to school and allowed them to learn from home, I stopped telling them when to go to bed, what to eat, when to eat, when to stop playing, how to speak or behave, and instead just stood back and watched what happened when they were in charge of their own lives. I asked instead of demanding. And something incredible happened! All the chaos disappeared! They became happier, kinder people and started to listen! I thought a miracle had occurred!
I understand that it’s not that easy in a childcare centre to let children have the reins and run freely, and it is a common fear that as soon as we give children freedom they will become out of control. This couldn’t be furthest from the truth. They are already out of control. The only way to know for sure is to test it out. I don’t mean to let children climb all over tables, hurt one another and run around the room with sharp scissors! I am speaking of taking a different kind of approach that is not coming from an intense reaction in ourselves, rather an understanding that children do need freedom in order to become grounded and balanced. There are small, doable ways that we as educators can do this while still following all the regulations, guidelines and program. The results will not be seen overnight, but over time the children will settle down and be more manageable.
Here are some strategies that educators can use to reduce chaos and overwhelm in their room:
1. Refrain from ordering the children in a harsh, authoritarian manner
Direct them calmly and politely instead. Say things like: “I would like you to wash your hands now,” or “I would like you to get down from the table.” Being firm and harsh are two different things. Being firm can only help if the child feels kindness from you. Telling them what to do in a mean, angry voice forces them to shut down their receptivity and they may not be willing to cooperate.
2. Make rest times a positive experience
The children have associated rest time with negative and stressful experiences, making rest times chaotic and overwhelming. Avoid becoming stressed by believing every child needs to sleep and staying at their bed patting them for lengthy periods. No child should be crying at rest time. For those that resist sleep, have special bedtime toys or stories they can have quietly on their bed, or set up an activity for them away from the other sleeping children.
3. Reduce transitions and make necessary transitions an easy and calm experience
If a child is resisting and refusing to do something, let them be. Focus on those who are willing. The more you let the resistant children be, the more likely they will become cooperative during transitions once they know it is their choice. Children first need to be given choices in order to be receptive and cooperate. I suggest only one, short group mat time per day. Make sure it is something they enjoy, not something they aren’t able to focus on that makes them restless.
4. Allow meltdowns and tantrums
Children need to process their emotions in the presence of an accepting, calm adult in order to self-regulate. Distracting them away from their experience, trying to calm them down, or physically moving them during a meltdown will not help them. Offer support, comfort and a cuddle, but if they refuse let them be and they will naturally self-regulate
and calm down. Children who are allowed to process their emotions fully are happier and more willing to join in an activity. If a child is experiencing separation anxiety to an alarming degree, damaging property or hurting others, stay near them, using your body to prevent harm to another and yourself, while remaining calm and accepting. Show empathy by matching their facial expressions and validating their emotions…”I know you want your mummy”…”I’m sorry your mummy left.”…”I know you want daddy to come back right now and take you home”…I want you to have your mummy too.” Empathising with a child in distress will calm them down far quicker than trying to change or stop their experience.
5. Practise acceptance
Accept that a child is their own person and won’t always behave the way you expect them to. They are unique beings with needs for autonomy, boundaries, understanding and acceptance. Allow them to say “No” and support them to develop a healthy identity by expressing themselves. Avoid making behaviors and emotions “wrong” or “bad,” take
action instead in the moment and try not to bring attention to unwanted behaviors. Understand that they may not have a supportive environment at home and may be acting out as a result through unwanted behaviours. Most children do not want to be in daycare, so finding acceptance for this and letting them know you can see that will help them to find acceptance throughout their day.
6. Avoid punishments
Take necessary action in the moment to comfort a hurt child or prevent someone from hurting another, without punishing the one who is doing the harm. Most children display aggression and fight in the playground or classroom due to a lack of freedom and power at home. Severe aggressive behaviors in children can be a sign of extreme punishments at home, so asking them instead if they are ok will focus on their inner experience rather than the behaviour and may encourage them to express feelings they haven’t been allowed to.
7. Respect their boundaries
Children do know what is best for them, despite the assumption that they do not. This may not always look safe or right to us adults, and we can still respect their needs in safe, practical ways. Things like physically forcing them into a chair, to go to sleep, onto the toilet or on the mat is not respecting their boundaries. Like any adult, children have boundaries around being touched by others against their will, made to eat foods they do not like, made to sleep when they are not tired, or go to the toilet when they do not need to. We would not allow others to do those things to us, so why do them to children? In no way am I saying not to encourage these things, and yes, we are required as educators to meet the physical needs of all children, including the need for sleep, food and toileting, but we can do this in a gentle manner rather than with force. We can make it a joint, shared experience, where we sit with the child ourselves, eat with them, or lay down next to them, and in this way they are more likely to cooperate. We have learned through our own upbringing that our boundaries don’t matter, and that we need to be told what is right for us, leading us into adulthood only to be confused about who we are and treat our children the same. Acknowledging our own rights to our needs and truth will help us do the same for our children.
8. Give it time
Changing to a more peaceful approach may take some time for the results to be seen. Children who are used to a controlling environment may test their limits when you give them more choice and freedom. They may feel more free to express their pent up frustration to you, or self-sabotage if they are used to certain reactions. Consistency is key. Keep going and you will start to see a change!
To read more about my parenting journey, you can purchase my ebook here: https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B0BBHGGFLJ
Love and healing to all,
Leisa ❤
Leisa Coleman 