To put it simply, children learn to self-regulate their emotional experiences in the presence of a non-judgmental, accepting adult. A child who is allowed to cry, throw tantrums or express anger and dissatisfaction will naturally learn how to process their experience and find their calm.
One thing I’ve noticed, as both a parent and an early childhood educator is that if you want your child to get over their tantrum or stop crying, you first need to allow them to process their emotions. When we get in the way, try and distract them or say to them “You are OK,” we are just prolonging this natural process and encouraging them to suppress their feelings. When feelings are suppressed instead of allowed to process until there is a change, these feelings are stored up inside the child and can be seen on the outside as the many unwanted, challenging behaviours. We then blame the child for their behaviours when it isn’t their fault. They have learned that it is not acceptable to express their emotions.
Most adults do not know what it means to be a “clear mirror” for a child’s emotional experiences. A clear mirror means a child can see themselves reflected in us. To see themselves in us makes them feel validated and understood. When the reflection is muddy and unclear, because we are responding from our own suppressed feelings, a child cannot see themselves, therefore it takes them longer to self-regulate. You can read my post on Mirroring here: https://theawakenedparentblog.wordpress.com/2022/09/11/mirroring-in-childhood/
The best thing to do for a child in distress is to stay near them but leave them alone. This is especially true if they are resisting comfort and engagement. When a child is dropped off at daycare and experiencing separation anxiety, they may reject your offer to help calm them because they need to know that what they are feeling is real and true. Yes it is true that their parent has left them somewhere they do not want to be. Yes it is true that this a traumatic experience. Yes it is true that they feel scared and alone. Yes it is true that they want their parent to return immediately to take them home. Yes it is true that they do not want to be separated from their parent because they are not ready.
Saying these things to a child in emotional distress can actually help the process of healing and self-regulating. We can also match their emotions by showing it on our own faces. This confirms that their reality is real and true and that someone else can see it. This is what I mean by being a clear mirror. Someone who believes a child should be in daycare and needs to get used to being dropped off, or believes the child should not be behaving in that manner, will not be a clear mirror and will instead invalidate the child’s experience. Simply telling the child that you can see what they need and that you agree, and then stepping back and waiting will allow the child to go through their process – however long it takes – and eventually feel calm and able to find enjoyment in play. If they accept a cuddle, just simply holding them in silence is enough.
The same can be said for our own children at home. I used to fight my children’s emotional outbursts, but once I began to face my inner world and accept my own emotions, I became better at allowing my children to express themselves freely. After some time, they came to see that they were safe to be angry, sad, backchat or fight with each other around me without being punished for it. The more I allowed them to “get out” their feelings, the quicker their unwanted behaviours disappeared. Self-regulating their emotions happened in a matter of minutes instead of hours. These days, there is no need for tantrums or meltdowns, because their feelings are always heard and accepted. That’s the beauty of doing the inner work and becoming a clear mirror.
The only way to truly be of help to a child in this way is to look within at our own suffering. Many of us have stored traumatic experiences and painful emotions that we aren’t even aware of. Some things are so painful we can’t even imagine facing them, but I can promise you that once you begin the journey towards healing, it gets easier, and you become less afraid to face things you once ran from. Somewhere inside of us is an inner child waiting to be seen and loved for who we are.
When we learn to be a safe space for children’s emotions, we guide them towards resilience, perseverance and confidence to face life’s challenges. We do not need to fix or change their experience; this will happen naturally through the allowing of their feelings to shift on their own. We can be there for them, embracing their wholeness, showing them that who they are is perfectly normal. In this way, they will grow to become strong, kind, empathetic adults, capable of doing the same.
You can read about my parenting and healing journey here: https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B0BBHGGFLJ
With Love,
Leisa ❤
Leisa Coleman 