One of the most important things I have learned through my healing journey, as well as my own experiences as a parent, is that proper mirroring in childhood is crucial for developing a healthy sense of self. Yet, this is the one thing missing when being in the role of caring for children, and it is because we ourselves did not receive this mirroring as children. Here is an excerpt from my book ~ Free Flowing Family: A journey of unschooling through awakening and healing, explaining what proper mirroring is:
“When referring to socialising my children, what is happening is I am essentially teaching them what is right from wrong. That means teaching them that the reality I currently believe to be true is the one that’s right for them. It doesn’t matter what my children think or whether they see things differently, what matters is that they stick to this reality instead of their own. It is mirroring back to them a completely different reality to their own—my reality. Proper mirroring is the understanding that my reality is true for me and my child’s reality is true for them. It is mirroring back to them their reality as acceptable, real, and valid. This is the confirmation my children are looking for in this reflection, so recognising how I respond to them is vital in helping them develop their own sense of self. This type of mirroring will ensure autonomy and strong boundaries throughout life. Here are some of my own examples and experiences of improper and proper mirroring:
1. My child snatches a toy of his from another child who is playing with it.
○ Improper: I tell him he shouldn’t snatch, that it is unkind, and that he should share his toys with the other child. My child’s reality: He does not want to share his toys.
○ Proper: I say to my child that I can see that he does not feel like sharing and that’s OK, or I say nothing, turn my attention to the other child and mirror their feelings about having the toy snatched from them. Only after mirroring his reality might I offer a suggestion or solution that makes both children happy, like an alternative toy.
2. My child is upset because another child snatched a toy from them.
○ Improper: I tell him that he is OK and can just play with something else. I try and distract him with another toy. My child’s reality: He is not OK. He feels upset that the toy was taken from him.
○ Proper: I say to my child that I can see how upset he is that the toy was taken from him and that I know how much he really wanted to play with it. Only after mirroring his reality might I offer a suggestion or solution that makes both children happy.”
While most of the time parents and carers of children are trying to get their child to listen to and understand them, their child is trying to do the same. But they do not know how to say “Please understand me” or “I just want to be heard,” so that is when it is up to the adults around them to be aware of this and meet this need in the child. The problem is though, that most of us do not know how to do this because we ourselves were never taught.
It can be painful to be reminded of the proper mirroring we did not receive in our childhood, and children remind us of this all the time. Expressing their needs then becomes a trigger for our own unmet needs, and we unknowingly project our pain onto the child when we are not aware of this in ourselves. When we react angrily, or become upset at a child in emotional distress or throwing a tantrum, what is essentially happening is we are being reminded of our own unmet needs from childhood. We are seeing a reflection of ourselves in that child’s expression and not wanting to face our own deep emotional pain of not having someone listen to or understand us.
This then becomes a battle of child against inner child; our inner child fights with the crying or angry child in an attempt to stop or change the reflection, resulting in the child having no other choice but to suppress their emotions, through either control or punishment, or being distracted away from their feelings. What is happening here is we are essentially teaching that child to grow up in the same way we did, repeating the cycle over again instead of creating healing and change.
It is not possible for a parent or caregiver to know how to mirror children properly without healing their own childhood wounds. Without going back to process the pain, unhealed trauma will continue to play out in our adult lives without us even knowing it, and relating to children will be an unconscious act, rather than a conscious one. In order to have conscious, healthy relationships with children, we must first become aware of our own traumas.
I did not always know how to mirror my children, and spent many years fighting their expression from my own inner child. It wasn’t until I began my healing journey that I learned how to do this. Proper mirroring isn’t really a practice we can try to perform because we think it’s right, it has to come from having properly mirrored our own feelings, and listening to and understanding ourselves. When we begin to be there for our inner child, it comes naturally to be there for our children; we start to experience for ourselves what proper mirroring is.
Once I learned what proper mirroring meant as a parent and began to mirror my children’s experiences back to them, they changed in miraculous ways. Violent, emotional outbursts started to dissipate more quickly, resolution to problems became effortless, and family life became joyful and peaceful. Facing my own deep emotional pain helped me to be less reactive towards my children’s emotions, because I was less afraid of the reflection. It no longer was a reflection of my own traumas, and I was able to remain open and available to help my children without the intense emotions arising in myself. It is the same for us; mirroring our emotions back to ourselves is what helps them to process more quickly and dissipate. We can do this by working with a therapist who specialises in childhood trauma healing, or learn practices for doing this ourselves.
What we all want most in our lives is to be seen, heard, felt, understood, and accepted for who we are, and until we learn how to give this to ourselves, we will try to express this need in many different ways, sometimes in unhealthy ways. I saw this in both myself and in my children. Being a mirror for another is an effect of clearing away the dirt on the reflection in order to see it more clearly. When we do not do this our children can’t see themselves in us; they see our unhealed traumas. When we process and heal those traumas, we become more empty and clean, and the reflection becomes easier to see. Our children can see themselves in us ~ an important part of developing their sense of self. I found that through my own healing and clearing of the debris, I was able to provide this clear reflection to my children in practical ways that worked.
Some of the other ways I have mirrored my children’s experiences include:
Repeating back to them what they have said ~ I might say things like: “You don’t want to sleep right now.” “You want the others to let you play too,” or “You hate having a shower.” This way of mirroring lets them know I listened to their words and helps them to feel heard.
Confirming how they are feeling ~ It can take some time to become aware of the emotion behind a child’s action or outburst if it is not obvious. I might say things like: “You are so mad right now,” or “You miss your mummy” (in a childcare setting). This way of mirroring lets them know I can feel what they feel and helps them to feel seen.
Noticing the need underneath their behaviour ~ There is usually always a need underneath any behaviour that seems unhealthy in a child, and they do not always know what it is themselves or how to convey it. If they become aggressive, unwilling, or lash out at another, I might say things like: “Are you OK?” “What do you need right now?” “Can I help you with something?” “I can see that you are very upset, what’s happening?” Otherwise, if I can see why they are acting out, I can just try to help them to meet the need. If I am the one being attacked, I might go into a room with the door partially closed so I cannot be hurt while still being available to my child and listening to what they need. It is my experience though, that children do not usually resort to physical violence with someone who is listening and meeting their emotional needs. This way of mirroring lets them know I can see why they are behaving the way they are and helps them to feel understood.
Showing them I know who they are ~ I do this by having conversations and making comments about the things they like, don’t like, their interests, passions, and their identity. This means I have to pay attention and actually know things about them. I might say things like: “I really like your outfit, it makes you look…”(whatever look I know they are going for). “Your hair is finally growing, I know you want it to be long.” “Come here and look at this picture I know you will love!” “I know you love that band, you have gotten me hooked on them too,” or “Here is that chocolate bar for you while I was out, I remembered you wanted to try it.” I also call my 12 year old he/him and call him by his new name, as he no longer identifies as female. This way of mirroring lets them know I take an interest in them, and helps them feel accepted for who they are.
Telling them what they want to hear ~ I do this by giving the answers to questions my children ask me according to their tone and the way they are asking. When they fluff their hair and ask me if I think they look weird, I might say “Yeah,” because I can tell they are wanting to look weird. When they ask me if I think something they know is true, I say “Yes,” because their tone is expecting and wanting me to say that. This way of mirroring lets them know I agree with them and helps them feel right.
These things do not happen overnight, and takes time and courage to face the things in ourselves that are uncomfortable, terrifying, and cause us to be more reactive towards those we love, but the more we do, proper mirroring becomes a natural practice that extends to everyone around us ~ our children, partner, family, and friends. When we are truly able to listen and understand another, we become kind and empathetic, and are making a real difference in the world.
I share my healing and parenting journey in detail in my ebook, which you can get a copy of here: https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B0BBHGGFLJ
With love,
Leisa ❤
Leisa Coleman 