So much is changing within me that I don’t even know what this blog is about now. Perhaps I will again write of my parenting experiences as the blog describes, but for now I want to share about my own personal journey towards my True Self; which in essence is really about learning to parent myself.
I have been slowly realising so much about myself since leaving Facebook more than a month ago. I did return to it briefly during that time for a few days to share the release of my new album and a new song, and I was relieved to find that I no longer had the same interest in the once familiar environment that had become my entire basis for recognition in the world.
One thing I noticed that hadn’t changed was my drive for this recognition and need to be seen for the achievements and greatness that I am. I wanted to make sure that everyone possible knew how amazing I was, which is why I left myself exposed on Facebook for those few days in the hopes I would be seen by as many as possible.
I’m not going to say this is a bad thing, for that would be condemning that part of me in need of love and approval, which is the complete opposite of what this “me” needs right now. To become aware of this drive within me and where it stems from is what’s most important, and has become a priority for me recently. I’ve become increasingly aware of how this plays out in my life in other ways, as far back as I can remember. It is the cause of repeated suffering in my life, bouts of depression, low self esteem, and is now ready to be addressed on a deeper level.
I spent almost a decade believing I could heal my childhood through spiritual awakening, meditation and by focusing on only the sensations in my body instead of the stories of my past. I exposed myself to many teachings that emphasised the importance of not listening to the stories of the mind, recognising the ego as a menace, and being in the present moment. I often felt shame around wanting to talk about my childhood or wanting to focus on the full experience of an emotion, resulting in leaving the spiritual community on social media behind feeling lost and not knowing where I fit in.
I was often told that not knowing why I feel the way I do, or understanding what truth is wasn’t as important as just feeling what was happening in my body, and that confusion was a normal part of the experience. I now know that what’s important for me is to not only feel myself deeply, but to also understand my experiences and where they stem from. My focus for many years was to move away from my most human experiences and discover the non-beingness that lay beneath them.
I believed that the answer to becoming a full functioning, happy human being was to recognise this non-beingness as much as possible in the face of my suffering and trauma. While it did help me and was an important step in my healing journey, I often felt something was missing; there was a longing to be seen for the human I am – in any form, including the deep suffering.
Looking back now, my introduction into the spiritual community was a way to finally be recognised and understood for who I truly am. The truth is, I still don’t know what that is. My years spent sharing on social media about the many realisations and awakenings I had was perhaps just another attempt to finally be someone in the world and receive the admiration and love I sought. Perhaps the seeker is not one seeking truth but one seeking the love they never had as a child, believing they are finally free.
To me, social media was a platform for many to share their versions of truth, and there are so many! I cannot say how others are meant to share their truth or what that even is, but I am realising that for me, the discovery of the true self is rather discreet, and not a big deal. It doesn’t come with a drive to tell the whole world or a feeling of being special. It’s ordinary. Normal. Not that different from everyone else. I can’t even say that I know what my true self is because I feel like I’ve only begun the journey, despite being on the “spiritual path” for so many years. All I can say is that for me, anything that needs to desperately be known by the world is not it.
This isn’t to say that I should not share anything, not write music, not have a Youtube channel or blog; it just doesn’t feel the same for me as it once did. What is my intention for sharing? Is it to gain love and approval? Is it to see my worthiness and greatness reflected back to me in the mirror of others? I like being seen for the greatness I am, I just don’t want to constantly depend on it. The seeker of this mirroring in others has reached its tipping point and no longer wishes to search outside for love and approval. This is where I feel my true journey begins.
I am no longer interested in being a spiritual being; I am already that and have done a pretty good job at cultivating that part of me. I have grown, become stronger, and on an unseen level changed so much about who I am and the way I live my life. But it’s time to just let that part of me be and focus on being the happy, healthy human being I want to be so I can have the most fulfilling experiences in my family relationships and in the world. I am the whole package and who I am as a person is as equally important as who I am as a soul.
I am off on a whole new journey of discovering my true self – not in the form of spiritual practice, but in the form of therapy, nutrition and being grounded in my earthly home as a regular person in society doing the best I can.
**Edit** This post was written a week ago and set to private until now. Stay tuned for an updated post!
With love,
Leisa ❤
Leisa Coleman 