One of the things I would get asked the most when we first began homeschooling was: “What will your kids do for socialisation?”
My answers were: Homeschool meet-ups, online friends, friends from school, kids at the park…even though we were just starting out and I didn’t really know the answers yet myself. Later, my answer became: How can we know they want to socialise?
Of course they do! My children love to meet new people and they love their friends. They also like alone time to be with themselves without the pressure to socialise and relate to others if they don’t feel like it. Sometimes this can be for days or weeks at a time.
This wasn’t always an option for my two eldest when they were in school. They were made to be around dozens of other children and adults for hours most days whether they wanted to or not. I could sense those times when they didn’t want to be around others except their family, and they would express this in ways like…I want to stay at home with my new baby sister…My pets need me…I feel sick…
The times they stayed at home brought out an aliveness in them that later became my motivation for giving them the choice to leave school and learn at home through play. This gave them more freedom around who they wanted to spend time with and when. They made many new friends online through playing computer games, some of who they remain close with today. They made new friends when we went on outings to the library, the park, or when we traveled full time. They also made friends in their neighbourhood.
But they never really enjoyed planned weekly outings to participate in group events with other children. Although I have met many children who love to do this, mine seemed to only be interested in the occasional group activity, prefer smaller gatherings and few friends. I continue to offer group activities and opportunities to socialise, and remain open to whatever my children choose, which can change all the time!
I don’t feel the need to coax my children into socialising for good reason. I have seen just how equally important it is to have time away from other people outside our family as it is to connect with them. There is a space to hear our own voice and commune with our inner experience when we are not taking in what others are saying or feeling. What I noticed when my two older children were in school was that being constantly surrounded by their peers didn’t leave much room for them to become attuned to their individuality, and instead be more attuned to the influences of others.
In my experience, developing our sense of self as a child is much easier within a supportive family unit rather than heavy exposure and entanglement with large groups of other children. Often, children are expected to be a certain way in this kind of environment in order to fit in, and this can be draining. For this reason, when I think of the word “socialisation” I immediately think of it as the act of getting our child attuned and conditioned to the normal structures of society. Socialising can instead be a simple act of connecting to people, naturally and authentically.
For my children, the bulk of their time is spent following their highest excitement in each moment. This allows them to listen to their own inner voice and develop in ways supportive to their needs and desires. Friends are an important part of their lives, but they also have free time to be with themselves and connect to their inner experience in an environment that allows them to shut off from others when needed.
I honour deeply the need to not engage with others ~ in both my children and myself. Being with ourselves and having alone time to listen deeply to our unique needs and desires can be very healing, and make connecting with others that much more easy and enjoyable!
Love,
Leisa ❤
Leisa Coleman 