It’s easy to think that when a child says “No” it’s an act of defiance; I once thought so too. But what it actually is, is a boundary.
A boundary is usually thought of as some kind of barrier, like a fence to guard us from others, but this is what I believe to be the unhealthy kind. A boundary is actually a sense of self. This means to simply have our own likes, desires and needs, separate to someone else’s likes, desires and needs. Boundary conflicts arise when we or someone else disagrees with the other’s likes, desires and needs. We believe we either have to agree with and adopt their likes, desires and needs, or that they have to agree with or adopt ours.
When a child begins to develop a sense of self, it is not uncommon for them to use the word “NO” in response to something we’ve asked them to do. This does not mean they are bad, or not listening, what they are essentially saying is, “What I like, desire and need does not line up with what you think I should like, desire or need.” And this tends to make most parents angry, because they themselves never developed healthy boundaries; they were not allowed to have their own sense of self.
Perhaps not all of us grew up this way, but for those of us who did, a “NO” likely got us into trouble, and as children we chose to believe that in order to be loved by our parents we must suppress the things that are deemed “bad” and be who others expected us to be. This is very conflicting to a child who is developing a sense of self and is forced to adopt the likes, desires, and needs of others in order to be accepted into the family. And this confusion plays out in our adult lives; all we have to do is take a look at what we are saying “YES” to, and what we are saying “NO” to.
A good example of someone with poor or no boundaries is someone who is considered “nice” and does everything for everyone. They will either feel guilty for saying “NO” to others, or say “YES” and resent the person for it. They might attract people into their lives who appear to “sponge” off of them, take them for granted, or “use them.” They may feel as though they are victimised and like they have no choice but to do nice things for others. What they might not realise though, is that they are getting something out of it – they get to be a good person.
Most of us with boundary issues have lived a life feeling guilty for or resenting others. We may feel like it is our responsibility as empaths to care for others and help them – even when we don’t want to. So in this case, developing boundaries is about developing a sense of self; what we like, desire and need- separate to what others like, desire and need. Learning to say “NO” is simply about being present to ourselves first and foremost and getting really honest about what we actually want. In my experience with poor boundaries, acting out of guilt, resenting others, or using them to be a good person and have my own needs met does not make me a good person.
So we know that if we want to be the kind of parents who nurture and support our child’s individual self, we must respect and allow them to develop boundaries, but what about when the shoe is on the other foot, and it is them who are expecting us to do what they want us to do, whether we like it or not? This is a good time to practice having healthy boundaries. This is when it’s time to re-visit our likes, desires and needs – before we agree to something our child wants. Be careful though not to make it a habit to start saying “NO” to your child out of entitlement. I went through this with my children and it got me nowhere, because it was still an inauthentic “NO.” I still hadn’t dealt with the underlying emotions that came with self-sacrificing who I was for the sake of others. I had to visit and honour these emotions.
Whenever I say “YES” to my child when I really mean a “NO,” it will be accompanied with frustration and resentment. It will seem as though I am doing the right thing because I am being a good parent and helping my child, but it will not feel that way. This is the inner conflict between what I think I should be doing, and what I really want to be doing. I am torn between my sense of self, and my child’s sense of self. But to say “NO” would mean I am a bad parent, and a bad person.
This means that what I am actually (unintentionally) doing is holding my child responsible for my lack of boundaries – my own sense of self. I am blaming them for being dishonest about my own likes, desires and needs, and making it all about them. I am putting my power in their hands and wondering why I have needy, clingy children who treat me like a doormat! So whose responsibility is it to get what I want, what I need, and what I desire? ME! I do this by noticing when my “YES” feels like resistance or resentment. I get present not to what I should be saying or doing, but what I feel is true for me in that moment.
Here are some ways to help you get into the practice of developing healthy boundaries:
Meditate
Spend some time bringing your attention into your body and noticing the physical, emotional, and thinking sensations that arise. Where are these sensations located in your body? Do they have a shape, a colour, or an image? What do these sensations tell you? Do they have a message, is there a childhood memory? Don’t try to eliminate thoughts during meditation, just allow them to come and go. Let any outside noise be allowed and be part of your meditation – include everything in your experience. The goal is to just to become more present to the sensations and come into a place of acceptance with them. Let them fill your body and just be there; even if you experience resistance, let that be welcome too. The more you practice body-awareness, the easier it will be for you to recognise sensations when they arise. They will begin to feel less like they are taking you over, and you will develop more awareness of them. Your reactions towards your child will become less automated and from your thinking mind, and more from your heart – your emotions.
Self-inquiry
Spend some time journaling your thoughts and questioning them. What judgments do you hold towards your child the moment you feel resistance to them needing you? What do they mean to or about you? What bad thing will happen because of this, and why is that so bad? What is this reminding you about yourself; your own childhood? Can you really know that what is happening is true, can you really be sure? Turn it around – do you hold these same judgments about yourself?
Authenticity
It will be difficult to be authentic with your child when you have poor boundaries, but you can begin by expressing yourself where you currently are – even with poor boundaries. You can be honest by saying to your child, “YES I will do that, even though I don’t really want to. I feel like I should do it and that makes me feel annoyed and resentful.” Or…”NO, I don’t want to do that right now, and I feel guilty because I think that I should do it, and that makes me feel upset.” The point with authenticity is to keep it about you – your own experience, not your child. The more you practice speaking your honest feelings in the moment, the easier it will become to say “YES” and “NO,” and feel good doing it. This is developing healthy boundaries.
When I began to question and pay attention to my lack of boundaries, I discovered something frightening – I was believing that my child constantly needed me, but it was actually me who was constantly needing them. This is why I was saying “YES” when a part of me was saying “NO,” because I was so attached to the idea of being a good parent. I could not let them down – I needed them to be happy, even if it meant lying to myself.
The thing is that children don’t hear our words, they feel our vibration – the energy behind our words that we try so desperately to hide. We pretend to feel good about something we actually feel bad about. We stuff down our true feelings and think our children won’t notice, and then you have the child that never leaves you alone. They become a magnet to our energy; they start to match our vibration and push harder and harder and harder until we are either forced into a mental breakdown, or forced to face the fact that we have never been taught how to develop healthy boundaries.
We can change this for ourselves and for our children. We can begin to bring those parts of us back that we have denied for so long. It’s OK to have our own likes, desires and needs. It’s OK to want something different to those around us. And when we begin to get a sense of who we truly are; as we re-integrate these aspects of self, we may find we don’t need boundaries afterall. We begin to live a “YES!” to life more than we ever did before.
With Love,
Leisa.
Leisa Coleman 